The Journey from Holeness to Wholeness

January blahs

2012-01-31T19:57:00.000-08:00

I've never been a fan of winter. It is the most uninspiring time of year for me. The cold, grey days here in the Northwet coupled with the pressing urgency to write down some resolutions makes me just want to go back to bed until spring. I think I was supposed to be born as a bear. Hence, the lack of blog posts over the last couple of weeks. (This one isn't my finest - please bear with me. Sorry, my jokes suck right now.)

When I would sit down and try to write, all I could think was, well I don't really have anything inspiring or motivational to say. Mostly all that has been kicking around my brain is my relentless disappointment in the men available for dating. Also, not feeling good enough (not a good enough writer, mother, person for the love-of-my-life.) The lack of sunlight at this time of year really gets my anxieties and Eeyore-self riled up. Been checking into getting a SAD light. It's possible my insurance will pay.

Still continuing with my workouts and eating well for the most part, but I'm just so freakin' exhausted. I've also begun a meditation program. It's something I've been resistant to in the past, but I've had so many people recommend it to me maybe I should listen. If it works, it will at least quiet the mind junk.

Anyway enough about me! How are you all? Are you feeling the heaviness of winter? List some ways you deal with the blahs. Or if not please share what's going right for you!! I would love to hear.

The Gift of Emotional Boundaries

2011-12-25T15:30:00.000-08:00

I've read several posts today on Facebook about how Christmas is about love. Sharing love, experiencing love, Jesus came here to give us the message about abundant love, love is a holy quest, etc.... As a fervent love groupie, I agree with all of this and enthusiastically add my two cents: Love is lived best when you are experienced in bringing it to yourself. This year I've learned that the most powerful way I can do that for me is by honoring my emotions.

This is not something that has come naturally or easily. To my Mom, emotions were not regarded as something that helped you make meaning from your life. They were merely inconvenient bumps in the road to get over as quickly as possible. If they could be avoided - so much the better. As a child and teenager I was told that I was too sensitive, I needed to calm down or, "Honey, don't let it ruin your whole day" (that one was my favorite.) She didn't know any better. She was working with the wisdom she had at the time. Her mother had told her that her anger bordered on craziness. I became convinced that in order to be acceptable and worthy I needed to find a way to neatly fold away my feelings. I wanted them to be pretty, enchanting and charming. So I would tell them that they were too much, too high-maintenance. But instead of feeling liked and attractive, most of the time I just felt more wrong and alienated. This was especially true in my romantic relationships with men. In order to find my place of belonging I needed to validate my emotions as the helpful guides they are. One of the best tools I found to help me with this is the work of Dr. Elaine Aron.

She is the best selling author of The Highly Sensitive Person and several companion books. Since 1991 she has been researching this concept and has discovered a small group of people that are more highly stimulated by sensory and emotional input than the general population. I took the self test and discovered that I am part of the 15-20% of folks that process feelings and emotions on a very deep level due to the wiring of our nervous system. Her book The Highly Sensitive Person In Love has been instrumental in helping me understand and value how I respond to dating. In fact, it's helped me make consistently better choices for myself. The result is that I've attracted better quality potential mates.

No, I don't mean they make more money or are better-looking. They are better suited to give me what I need emotionally. This is because I understand and accept what that is. Something I've had to say to myself when I encounter a tough emotional choice in dating is......Don't over think it. What would feel the best - the safest and most healing choice to you? For instance, when things don't work out between myself and someone that seemed like a potential life partner, there is an awkward, "Well what do we do now?" phase.

We obviously have respect for each other, connected in our values and shared some tender, maybe even intimate moments. But they've decided they were not ready or had some objection to my lifestyle. Meanwhile, I've taken the risk of being emotionally, maybe even sexually vulnerable. I'm open but they've suddenly decided they're not. While this is not easy for anyone, this is huge for an HSP (Highly Sensitive Person). The pain is more acute.

I'm left with the task of cleaning and shoveling my heart back up off the sidewalk where it fell when they backed away. It's so broken up and jellified that I'll never get it all back into my chest cavity again. Sure I'll heal, I'm not completely morose, but little bits are inevitably left behind and others are scarred. This is the risk of love. It would have been worth it if the timing had been right.

But what do I do when they want to be my friend to ease the awkward transition? I thought I might be able to participate in this and take the high road. But maybe I can't. In specific, what do I do when they send me a chatty email wanting to know how I'm doing?

In my book, what is safest for me emotionally is to feel that they haven't earned the right of my time to do small talk. Small talk is for getting to know someone that I deem worthy of my attention. I already tried that with them. Accepting my emotional needs means acknowledging that I'm too busy still trying to put back together that skein of yarn called intimacy that they willingly helped unravel, but have left me alone to wind back together. It will never resemble the original skein. The best I can do is make a neat ball. I am engrossed in my task and just plain don't have the energy or time to pretend that it's natural to make chatty talk.

Why are they asking me anyway? Do they want to put out feelers to see if I would take them back? Do they want to assuage their guilt over hurting me? It doesn't really matter. What matters is that I honor what feels right for me - my emotional truth. Despite the feelings that we shared, I have to stop sharing and be selfish. I need to hold on to that selfishness until I feel good, strong and vibrant again. If I were in a hospital bed right now with a physical injury, I would not be jumping up to attend to the needs of others. As an HSP, I will need to have a select visitor list. It's truly okay. I accept that I need this to feel better. Maybe when I feel better, I can have limited contact with that person again - maybe not. It depends on what feels right for me.

I took an emotional risk and offered all I had: my soul and my heart. Those are the most precious parts of myself. Those are the parts that make me human and divine instead of pure animal. I choose to honor those parts and protect them. I realize that no gift in my lifetime will ever match up to me giving myself exactly what I need emotionally. May you do the same.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!

2011-12-10T19:33:00.001-08:00

I went to a unique singles Meetup group tonight at the Lucky Labrador Brew Pub on Hawthorne. It's called PDX-Online-Dating-Stories-and-Support. The group is for singles, but not for dating purposes. The intent is exactly what the title says.

There were 12 of us that attended and each one had varying degrees of experience. The discussion started with why do we choose to date online instead of the old-fashioned way and do we expect lots of bells and whistles on the sites. Peppering the conversation was the usual advice about not responding to people without photos and physical attraction is important to men. Here's a few additional statements or advice that I found hilarious or quirky:

When someone asks you to coffee it's not really for coffee
Lactose intolerance is important information to share on your profile
Don't use a a coupon for a dinner date
One woman asked a man's impression of her would be if she stated on her profile that she didn't want children
One man had been told by a potential date that she does not notice men under 6 feet tall. (He is 5' 9".)

There was also a vigorous discussion about whether women should approach men or not. A couple of the men preferred it since they got tired of having to do all the work They said they would find it flattering.
I mentioned that it had been my observation that despite years of evolution, men still needed the the feeling of pursuit and therefore I rarely approached men online. One of the men objected to this. But when I asked him when he had had the most satisfying encounters he admitted that his marriage and long term relationship was the result of him approaching.

It was only the first get-together, but I'm looking forward to more. Dating is hard work and sometimes you just need a drink and some great conversation with others going through the same stuff.

Polygamy

2011-12-07T11:55:00.001-08:00

Courtesy of people.com

Sister Wives - The Learning Channel

I was talking with a friend at work today about thisreality television show. It’s about apolygamist, his four wives and 17 children. I asked her if he had any out-of-this world qualities that would cause 4women to accept so little time and attention. She said he seemed nice and dedicated. Thewomen also wanted a “sisterhood” of sorts for support with the children, butother than that, she didn’t know what the appeal was. Most of us shrug our shoulders and roll our eyes at what wesee as fringe or cult-like behavior.

Iknow I do. I feel superior and think, “Howcan these women have such low self-esteem and allow themselves to be one ofseveral? But if I’m being honest, I have to admit that I’ve allowed myself tobe in similar situations with men. Theyweren’t married, but they were taken nonetheless.

There was the time I kept going back to a workaholic thatrepeatedly cheated. His time was splitbetween his other wives – work and serving his struggling ego. Not onlywas what he offered miserly, but the emotional support was not even at povertylevel. I lived in this squalor for fiveyears.

Then there was another time that I allowed myself to becomea friend with benefits. It’s not reallywhat I wanted. But the guy was so hot, I kept hoping he would change hismind. Instead, I allowed myself to acceptthe crumbs of his attention. I cookedfor him and gave him a comfortable place (my home) to flop at when he didn’tfeel like going home to his hovel. Heonly spent time with me when it was entirely convenient for him. His favorite wives were: football, in fact most t.v. shows, and melodrama. This guy could never get his sh*t togetherand bounced from job to job. At leastthe polygamist is stable and has more going for him.

If you’re in similar situations and you are truly satisfiedand happy, I’m not judging you. It’s afree country and you’re an adult. Butwhat I am saying is that when you allow someone to treat you with less respectand devotion than you want – you might have more in common with the “illegal” polygamistand his wives than you realize.

Codependent Relationships - Why Enable?

2011-12-05T16:30:00.000-08:00

I've always had trouble understanding why enablers stay in relationships. By enabler I mean the person in the couple that allows or abets the other person's active participation in addictive or unhealthy behaviors that sabotage the couples' chance to flourish in feelings of stability, happiness and peace. I thought I would write down my own musings from past experiences and then check my intuition against an academic source. When I read Signs of a Codependent Relationship - at Web MD I found I understood the enabler better than I thought. Excerpts from the article are in italics below my stuff.

Not only does the addict get high but the enabler does too. The enabler enjoys the feeling of power. They are needed in a compelling way and they get off on it. They benefit from the other person remaining stuck because it assures their seeming moral superiority and strength. This is not a quality they see in themselves. Subconsciously they need the addict's help. Their self-esteem is so eroded that they do not see that they have any special qualities that will be appreciated in the give-and-take of a healthy relationship. They do not feel that they are desirable enough to attract someone that will want them exactly for who they are.

“Probably the most significant theme is a sense of control. The other person plays the out-of-control person, and so they get to be the person who is in control and thus is respected,” (Daniel) Bochner, PhD, tells WebMD.

“They can be the better person, the smarter person, the person who’s recognized as having it all together. They’re defining themselves as strong enough to deal with it, when actually they need to realize that maybe they should be taking care of themselves instead of proving their strength,” he says.

Simply being in a relationship - even one that’s not ideal - may also be comforting, (Scott) Wetzler PhD, says. “A lot of times, people have low self-esteem and say, ‘I’m no good, no one would want me, and therefore I have to put up with this.’ These negative thoughts are very common, and they have a big impact on why people stay in relationships that may not be good for them.”

“Codependency, by definition, means making the relationship more important to you than you are to yourself,” she (Tina Tessina, PhD) tells WebMD.

I have to add here that if you are remaining in an unhealthy relationship for religious reasons and you believe that you've got to stick it out for your vows, you've accepted some interesting dogma about love and commitment. (I'm getting pretty opinionated here so you might want to opt out if you think you'll be offended.) That doesn't sound like love to me, sounds like martrydom. If that's your goal you've scored. Yeparooni- you're staying until the flames have charred you down to ashes. That's not love baby - that's barbaric. Maybe it's really your ego that cannot accept the failure of the relationship.

You're feeling that you're weak if you admit defeat. True strength accepts the possibility of failure. It goes back to that pesky lack of self-esteem issue and needing to appear strong. Also, what about the other people you're affecting?

There's others to consider besides you and your ideals. If there are children, what is the message you're sending them about love? I grew up in an addictive household and I am pretty bristly about this topic. I won't wax on about that in this post. I will say though that my truth because of what I observed is that past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. That's not my quote, but can't figure out who said it right now. I guess I'm a little wound up. I watched my Mom give my Dad chance after chance after chance and nothing ever changed for any significant period of time. Once stressors hit the marriage again (and man are there plenty of those to go around) they couldn't help but fall back into the patterns of their unhealthy patterns of relating.

To be fair though, the article does say that maybe the relationship can be saved. It will require boatloads of counseling: individual, marriage and group therapy. You might want to see a financial advisor about establishing a fund if your insurance isn't stellar. Ironically, the behavior can change when the enabler is willing to leave - permanently. This makes leaving the most loving thing the enabler can do for themselves and the abuser.

Are You Really Ready to Date?

2011-11-28T09:16:00.001-08:00

Okay, I have to admit it, I'm pissed off. One of the worst pieces of advice out there about getting over your ex is to start dating around. While the attention from another attractive person sure feels yummy and balmy on those wounds, remember dating isn't just about YOU. While you're sucking up all that dreamy feel-good romantic stuff, the other person is assuming that you might be available for something serious. It's true that sometimes you don't really know where you're at until you try something out. But, here are some signs you aren't ready to date:

You can't stand the thought of your ex with someone else sexually.
You date just so you don't have to be alone and obsess about your ex. (Try therapy or time with friends instead.)
You're still so angry at your ex that you'll monopolize the conversation with long lists about how they wronged you.
You take your date to old places you used to frequent with your ex.
You're in the middle of your divorce. (Some people think it's okay to date while they're separated. I suppose in a small number of cases this is true. But for the most part, separated people are still individuating and do not know themselves well enough to navigate the process of connecting with a new person.)

If you are just looking to have a good time and you're not into committing to anything but some happy hour drinks and flirting, you won't have to tax too many brain cells worrying about it. At least have the decency to be upfront about it with your potential dates. Let them know that your time with them will be strictly casual, fun-fluff.

Because even though you might not jump into physical intimacy, it doesn't mean you're not taking advantage - emotional advantage. Spending time with someone - especially romantic time - creates an expectation in women. (This is a repeat from Will It Work If We Dial It Back post.)

If you're a good catch, they will begin to fantasize that they have found their soft place to land. They will subconsciously begin to assume that they're building something with you. When they discover the truth, it will be demoralizing because all they can think is: Oh goody! I get to start at square one again!!
OR What did I do wrong? (For those with self-esteem issues.)

If you date more than several times, they will also experience a withdrawal period that will consist of at least one if not all of these aftereffects:

sleepless nights
binge eating
overdrinking
uncontrolled bouts of crying
agitation/anger
decreased effectiveness at work

If they don't, they're probably hard-hearted and barely human.

Do you really want to be the cause of all that just because you're lonely? Be an adult and take a time out for personal reflection. The dating world will still be available when you get back. You'll enter it as a conscientious, aware individual rather than a lazy, self-absorbed jerk.

Will it Work if We Dial it back?

2011-11-21T07:48:00.001-08:00

As some of you know, I'm building a career as a dating coach. It's rewarding work for me as we all long for real love and I revel in helping people find it. Recently, I got an excellent question from a potential client. I'm sharing it because it examines the crucial process of holding on to self love during dating. I say crucial because your level of love for self is the most important component to attracting the love of your life.

Dear Holly-Marie,

I've been dating a guy for a couple of months now that I met on an online dating site. Things started slowly - like a friendship. He knew exactly what a woman wants as far as courting behavior and always pleasantly surprised me in this area. I felt deeply cared for. After 6 weeks of dating, we decided we liked each other enough to explore a future together. We took our profiles offline.

To celebrate, we went on a weekend road trip. I was so excited - I've been looking for that special relationship for 3 years now and hoped this could be it. But, what should have been a romantic, fun time turned out to be a disappointing and hurtful episode. Our chemistry, communication and respect was high and most of the time we fully enjoyed each other's company. But midway through the trip, he started to withdraw emotionally and admitted that he was feeling too much guilt over his divorce not being finalized. He realized that maybe he wasn't ready for a relationship after all but that he didn't want to give me up. We ended the trip early. It was a bitter end to what should have been a beautiful weekend connecting.

We talked it over when we got home and he encouraged me to continue to date other people while professing that he had no desire to date anyone else but me. This was confusing. When I've run into this situation in the past, the guy has decided I'm not right for him and wants to date around. Then it's a no-brainer, I cut them off clean. But he says he sees no deal breakers about my personality or lifestyle and just wants to get through his divorce settlement.

He shouldn't see any deal breakers. I am great catch: I have raised two loving conscientious teens, I do interesting and vital work, I have a stellar credit rating, I am emotionally balanced, I am toned and in shape, and I have a large network of loving supportive friends and acquaintances that say I'm smart and funny.

I have posted my dating profile back online, but have seen him a couple more times since the weekend. He continues to encourage me that it's the right thing for me to date other people because he's a fixer-upper. But when I suggest that we should take a break because he's not emotionally ready for a relationship he asks me to remember that he's not ready yet. He says he could be ready in as soon as a few weeks when his divorce is final.

As if all this isn't enough of a quagmire, the Holidays are here and I will have to manage my anxiety about possibly being alone through yet another Holiday.

Fearful and hating it,
~M~

Dear M~

It depends on how emotionally invested your were in the relationship to begin with. If you can see yourself pulling back and allowing the relationship to take it's course because you weren't that deeply invested, go for it. As long as you're truly open to the possibility of meeting someone new and better for you you should be fine.

If you continue to see this man in a casual manner, do so with EXTREME caution. You'll need to draw some strong boundaries around your time with him. First of all, the physical romance has to stop. This will feel stilted and unnatural - LET IT. The inconveniences we have to endure in the pursuit of a long-term goal are trivial in comparison to the rewards we obtain. The reason that you need to be ruthless about this component is that it's a part of bonding and building the relationship for a woman. Men can bond this way too, however they will partake in this behavior even when they're not ready to build a relationship. He's already made it clear he's not in a building-mode right now. He's sidelined. In addition, and this is going to sound harsh, you're whoring out your emotional support to someone that needs to be figuring out where his head and his heart are at right now - not co-dependently leaning on you.

Another boundary - expect the communication: emails, texts and phone calls to slow down to a snail's pace. DO NOT initiate contact yourself. Allow him to do so as he feels guided. It is not your job to keep in touch with him. Each time you do so, he will think of you more and more as just a loving friend. Since most women are relational, you probably already have enough of those. You created a profile on an online dating site because you want a passionate relationship with a man that is madly in love with you, not another friend.

In my opinion, the simplest option is what your instincts have already told you - to cut it off clean. I mean what are you really gaining by playing the wait-and-see game? Acid indigestion is your only payoff because he may not decide for you. Your hanging around lowers his esteem for you and merely gives him leeway to come up with a million inconsequential reasons for why you're not right for him like: "My 73-year-old Mom might not agree with some of the choices you've made in your life" or "You don't like to ride a bike and my soulmate will want to" or "I don't know if I can be with a woman that doesn't want to travel the United States in a tent." I am not making these up. I have been given similar juvenile reasons for not continuing a relationship. I say these reasons are inconsequential and juvenile because if you feel nurtured, supported and excited about life in the relationship, these are merely logistics that can be negotiated and worked out. These are not concerns that should be considered as "settling." I mean, he sounds to me like he wants to continue to try to find reasons to stay stuck, dangle you along and ultimately throw away the opportunity for unfettered, pure happiness with both hands.

As for the Holidays -I'm being brutally honest here- face it honey, you're already alone. He's not with you, he's having a party with his own ruminating, feeling-sorry-for-himself thoughts. You sound like an awesome catch sweetie and deep down he knows it. But do you????

You say you do, but if you did, you would realize you do not deserve to compete with the ex. His wanting to be through with the divorce indicates that he is still thinking about her. He may not want to get back together, but you are in competition for his full attention nonetheless. That's crap.

His honesty about his emotional state is commendable, but if he can't pay attention to the beautiful gift that's being offered to him in the present moment (YOU) he's not only stuck in the past, he's blind as well. Do you have a fantasy of being with your life partner in a vibrant, growing relationship or playing Florence Nightingale? Anyway, the point is, he's not having any trouble doing what he thinks is best for him, I suggest you follow his example. For additional thoughts on this, check out my article on Cherry Picking in my October archives.

They say the path to love is not a straight line. But make sure that you are indeed on the path and not in the scrub brush hunting for your partner. Even if you have to continue alone, at least you're on the path. Opportunities will open up for you that you can't imagine.

I'm rooting for you. I know you will find your prince.

Lots of love,
Holly-Marie

Why Do You Want A Relationship?

2011-11-13T20:45:00.000-08:00

Is it fear-based? Do any of these belong to you?

Fear of being alone at the holidays

Relationship is about sharing your life and the life of your partner, spouse, significant other, long after the holidays and the honeymoon phase has worn off.

Fear you will be alone forever

This only happens when it's what you really, really want.

Fear that singleness is a statement about self-worth

If you truly feel that way, you've already demoted yourself in the eyes of your potential mate. Your loathing of your life will turn others off to the inherent beauty of it. When you get closer to a person in an intimate relationship, new fears about self-worth will be triggered. Take the time while you're single to get to know yourself and build a solid foundation for your self esteem. I've been in relationships that actually heightened my feelings of loneliness. Even my lonely single times were not as soul-scraping as the times spent in a non-nurturing relationship.

So what do you think and do during the single time?

How to change what you think

Realize that feeling lonely is a temporary thing. Life is not static. Things change and revitalize everyday. Only you choose to make it drudgery.

Change what you do

Some things I've done to decrease lonliness are:

Getting involved in a creative project that minimizes time to ruminate. I started this blog. But you can also: sew yourself a costume, paint a room, plant a garden, create a mural - the possibilities really are endless.
Enhanced my support network by making new friends. I have lots of friends. I do not say this to boast. I say it because I need them all. If one is busy during a time when I need to be with people, I have others I can call on.
Taking myself out. There was a time when I never took myself out to eat. Man oh man was I missing out! At first it was a little awkward. I had those ridiculous thoughts like, "People probably wonder why I'm alone." Last time I checked I wasn't J Lo. Nobody is really watching my every move that closely. Now I take my journal or a book with me and I have the best time. I can eat whatever I want, I don't have to worry about food in my teeth and I certainly do not have to worry about making entertaining conversation.
Taking a look at my job with new eyes. Is there something new that would enhance it? Make it more meaningful? My boss paid for me to take a two-day grant writing class. It's slightly beyond my comfort level, but it gives me a skill that makes my job more interesting than just managing calendars and answering the phone.

What things have you done to relieve the pressure during singlehood?

Online Dating Etiquette 101

2011-11-06T16:36:00.000-08:00

Remember playground teeter totters? You climbed on with your little buddy anticipating a nice ride. You adjust to each other's pace and get into a smooth rhythm. You’re giggling and enjoying the rush of air on your face. It's fun! There’s no apparent reason to interrupt the flow. Then, all of a sudden, as their feet touch the ground they look in another direction, get off and run away. Abruptly, you experience a bone jarring slam to your hiney. Sometimes the teeter totter effect happens in online dating.

You approach or are approached by a potential suitor through email. A series of communication ensues. It seems natural and fine. in fact, you're enjoying it. But all of a sudden they just stop responding. You think, Well something could have happened - car wreck, illness, family emergency, monsoon, something.....You decide to let it ride. After a few days you look at their profile again and notice that they've been active online the whole time. What the hell?! What did I do wrong - was it my breath? Confusion and sensitivity increases because there was no warning and certainly no explanation is forthcoming.

Just because you're interacting in an online playground doesn't mean the rules about the sandbox do not apply. Remember, the person on the other end of your virtual line is a living, breathing, human being with thoughts, feelings and a life. They took some time out of their busy day to reach out or respond to you. Unless they were outright creepy, malicious or stalkerish they deserve the dignity of a polite response. They might internalize your rude, inconsiderate behavior. At least have the courtesy to make something up if they've turned you off somehow. If you're not comfortable pointing out that you're not attracted to cleft chins or poor grammar, try something like this:

I've started seeing someone with more frequency and I want to see where it goes.
On further consideration I think we might live too far apart.
Our schedules might be too dissimilar to foster a relationship.
I think our leisure activities might make us incompatible.
I am grieving the death of my pet goldfish (Okay, maybe not this one. But you're smart people, you get the idea.)

Unless you're some sort of Brad Pitt or Megan Fox with throngs of people interested in you, dating is really, really hard on one's ego. Play nice.
Don't abandon the other person to stew in their own teeth-chattering dissonance.

The Masks We Wear

2011-11-04T12:00:00.000-07:00

Halloween is my favorite holiday of the year. The creative vibe and the general party atmosphere is a real turn on. I like too that people are more childlike and authentic. Maybe the masks they wear afford them a level of comfort that encourages transparency? If so, it's a good thing. However, we all know that there are two sides to a coin.

Although masks can be used to encourage playful imagination and originality, sometimes they are used for subterfuge and artifice - especially when we don't feel good about ourselves or our intentions. An example is the reliance on virtual contact to connect with others. I have found this to be an epidemic in online dating.

In the last three years, I have encountered many men that like to rely on texting and emailing at the beginning of a dating relationship. This is fine for shy personality types that can't handle the thought of talking on the phone right away. But at some point, real contact needs to be attempted otherwise the acquaintance will remain merely that. It's cool if you just want to flirt - waste of time if you are looking for a mate. My most recent frustrating suitor was last weekend.

We had exchanged a couple of emails and he sent me his phone number. Instead of asking me to talk, he asked if I wanted to text. I didn't mind a few preliminary texts, but when I suggested we talk, he was hesitant. Timing wasn't right for him because of his kids. No problem.

A couple of days later he texted again. I was out with my girlfriends and didn't want to be rude. I explained what I was doing and he asked me to "drunk dial" him later. My intuition said that wasn't a good idea since that's not my style. But when I got home later, I was curious and not drunk. He was awake but to my dismay, drunk or high. I confronted him and he said that it was after all a childless Friday night and he deserved to enjoy himself. I couldn't really argue with that, I've been there. I closed out the conversation. He continued to try to text me later even though I told him I was tired and just wanted to sleep. Some of the texts bordered on inappropriate.

The next morning he started up again when I was working out at the gym. I thought I would give him a chance to redeem himself and asked if it was a good time to talk. The response was nothing but a teasing text. I gave up. After awhile, he texted again, "Sorry. Hi. :-)" At this point, I realized there wasn't going to be any substantive conversation. I texted back that I didn't know what he was looking for but it wasn't me. He protested. I gave him one final chance, "If you want to talk about it with me, fine. But I'm through with texting." A few hours later he apologized and admitted he blew it.

I appreciated the apology, but again, just another lazy butt that wanted the perks of relationship without putting in real time and effort. Interestingly, his profile said he was seeking his soulmate. Not life partner material though.

In fact he appears to be escaping his life. He doesn't have the courage to engage it or examine what about it is making him so unhappy that he feels the need to pursue pseudo highs like sexting. I'm not judging, just relating what I've learned the hard way. Because a couple of years ago I acquiesced to that behavior. But I won't be an enabler anymore and participate in the masquerade.

Mr. Sandman....

2011-10-27T22:03:00.000-07:00

Your dreams will tell you the "rest of the story," information you need for making the best life decisions. Knowing about your complexes keeps you from doing really dumb things and alienating people. Attending to the Undervalued Self, Elaine Aaron, Ph.D _Psychology Today

A few years ago I took a dream interpretation class. I learned about the importance of recording your dreams and reading them months later to uncover your subconscious thoughts and desires. I've been doing that for about four years now and I'm pretty good at understanding even the most esoteric ones. One of my recent dates shared a dream with me and asked me what I thought it meant.

We were riding together on a unique three-wheeled vehicle he had designed. It was somewhat similar to a sailboat in that we had to actively work together to create a forward motion. We were cruising down the road, full speed while everyone else was parked on the side of the street, at a standstill. In the background there was a shark pursuing us and a man that seemed to be directing it. They were both intent on derailing our progress.

I understood instantly that he intuitively sensed we would make an awesome team. But he was intimidated by the fact that we were both on Match.com and he had no idea how many other guys I was dating. When I told him all this, he was stunned and said, "Yeah, you're right on. But, what do you think is the meaning of the guy directing the shark?" I didn't know. Maybe it was God or the Universe out to sabotage us? Later I figured out who the guy was - it was him.

He had shared with me on a subsequent date that his wife had cheated on him repeatedly despite his best efforts to save the marriage. I asked him if he thought he could ever be vulnerable and trust/love another woman again. He said he knew that there are good women out there. But his answer felt like what he wished he could believe. He knew this in his head, but not his heart.

One morning when he showed up for our date, he knocked on the door, but I didn't hear him. He called my cell and I ran to the front door to let him in. I apologized, explained what happened and then went to my bedroom to use the restroom before we left. After I shut the bathroom door, I was unnerved because I heard him in my bedroom (he had never been in there and I hadn't invited him). "Holly, can I use your razor, I missed a spot."

"Uhhhh yeah, there's one in the drawer."

I wasn't ready for him to see my bedroom and it felt weird. It dawned on me later that he thought I might have been hiding someone. It was Sunday morning and maybe he thought I let someone spend the night.

Anyway, later he did some really stupid things to sabotage us. He kept saying he didn't think I was right for him, but he couldn't explain why. I got angry and broke it off since I could sense he wasn't being sincere. That's when I realized that the man in the dream was him.

If You Can't Say Something Nice....

2011-10-26T12:22:00.000-07:00

Is it safe to come out? I am a little traumatized by a response I received this morning from a “mutual” match on Match.com.

I had lots of stars in my eyes as I looked at his attractive photos and read his pleasing profile. I was impressed with what he’s accomplished. Also it seemed that we had lots of similar values. I decided to send him an email.

I complimented him on his profile and particularly on his stunningly beautiful home he designed and built. I ended with telling him I would welcome the opportunity to get to know him better. As I proofread, I noticed I was anxious since I normally do not make the first move. But I congratulated myself on my courage and pressed the send button.

A few minutes later he responded. His subject line: Please no bitters. Lol. The contents of the message was a paltry: only lovers

What the hell?!! I cannot stand the word bitter and have a strong emotional response to it. It isn't me. I can only assume he’s referring to the first paragraph in my profile.

I ask for only men that are sincerely interested in long term relationships to respond to me. I emphasize this in two sentences because of recent experiences with men that do not read profiles and waste my time with suggestions for a fling. Since I’ve altered my profile, I’ve had men compliment me on my clear communication about what I need. But not today….

One of my greatest strengths is my belief in human potential. But it doesn’t always serve me. Like in this case, I expect a stunningly insensitive ass to possess a few manners and realize that it takes guts to approach someone you’re attracted to.

What’s your take? Have you been broadsided by rude responses to compliments? Thanks for throwing me a bone today.

Raising the Bar

2011-10-24T16:15:00.000-07:00

Hey Guys~

Small tip for you....

You've probably heard this before, but it bears repeating.

Women want romance and something out of the ordinary.

What does that mean? It can mean different things to different women but I can tell you for certain what it doesn't sound like.

"Want to come over to my house and watch t.v.?"

When I get this offer early on, I groan inwardly and think, "Oh goody! I can't wait! That just puts me over the top! Next will you invite me to listen to you snore all night?! God I am soooo tingly and hot just thinking about it!"

Now that I've dispensed with my sarcastic self, I don't want you to think that you have to go bankrupt or be someone you're not. If you're impressed with a woman and really want her to feel the same, try some of these ideas:

Invite her for a walk in the park. Hold her hand.
Take her somewhere she's never been before and be the tour guide. It's sexy when she can learn something from you.
Ask her for her help in shopping for something you want. Maybe you need new glasses and would like a lady's opinion. Or what if you want some plants for your house? She will feel like you value her opinion.
Try cooking with her. It doesn't have to be fancy, the participation together is the thing.

These ideas are not new or terribly original, but they will get her attention. It shows that you've put some thought into spending quality time with her. Believe me, she will notice and appreciate it. Besides, if it turns into a long term relationship, you'll have plenty of time for t.v. watching and couch sitting.

One-Way Relationships - Are You In One?

2011-10-21T16:00:00.000-07:00

Thought you might like this quick and helpful quiz on how to spot a narcissist. I found it at Dr. Mark Goulston's blog on the Huffington Post.

The Narcissist Inventory
rate the person on a 1-to-3 scale (1 = rarely; 2 = sometimes; 3 = frequently):

How often does the person need to be right at all costs?

How often does the person act impatient with you for no good reason?

How often does the person interrupt you in the middle of what you're saying, and yet take offense if you interrupt?

How often does the person expect you to drop whatever you're thinking about and listen to him or her--and does the person take offense when you expect the same in return?

How often does the person talk more than he or she listens?

How often does the person say "Yes, but," "That's not true," "No," "However," or "Your problem is"?

How often does the person resist and resent doing something that matters to you, just because it's inconvenient?

How often does the person expect you to cheerfully do something that's inconvenient for you?

How often does the person expect you to accept behavior that he or she would refuse to accept from you?

How often does the person fail to say "Thank you," "I'm sorry," "Congratulations," or "Excuse me" when it's called for?

To score your inventory, add up the total:

10-16 = The person is cooperative
17-23 = The person is argumentative

24-30 = The person is a narcissist

And by the way, narcissists not only come in the aggressive type that we are so used to. Excessively needy people who whine, complain, make excuses and feel sorry for themselves can also exhibit many of the behaviors in the Narcissist Inventory and can be just as "self-involved" as the the more aggressive variety.

Am I Obligated?

2011-10-20T20:12:00.000-07:00

It is generally accepted that on the first few dates, the man pays the bill - especially if he has taken on the role of the pursuer.

The only time I know this rule to be different (and my experience is by no means exhaustive) is if the woman has done the pursuing and is a woman of means.

If the man ponies up, what is the woman expected to provide?

Eye Candy? Flirtation? Engaging conversation ? Putting out? Certainly, she may not be expected to put out by the second date, but what about the third or fourth? Especially if these dates have included things like meals, entertainment or gifts the debt tends to mount up.

In my experience, a man may not ask me to put out early on, but there will be no doubt that he expects me to hug or kiss him or I should allow his hand on my thigh throughout the evening. When these situations have occurred, I have silently resented the expectation, but have done nothing to directly address it. But, I’m sick of continuing to sit by like a compliant little girl. I guess this blog post is my first attempt at speaking out.

If a man were courting a potential business partner, would he treat them with such lack of respect? Would he force physical contact – however benign-if the intended would be offended by it? Why should it be different when impressing a potential mate? If you’re sincerely interested in the person, wouldn’t the pleasure of their company be enough?

What are your beliefs about this and how have you handled it? If you’re a woman, have you offered to pay your share? If you’re a man have you suggested dates that are free or low-cost? I’m interested to hear your viewpoint.

Internal GPS

2011-10-19T12:23:00.000-07:00

I used a GPS for the first time this week when I got lost. Listening to the matter-of-fact voice reassured me that it knew where I was and would get me exactly to where I needed to go. If I missed a turn, it would re-navigate from my new position. But this was typically not the most direct route to my destination. The same is true for our intuition.

Sometimes I doubt my intuition because it seems unreasonable. I have learned though that silencing it doesn’t work. I just get lost or have to take a longer path. Now, I try to accept the thought or emotion and observe it without judgment. As I roll with it, I uncover the foundation behind my “superficial” or “high maintenance” need. Here’s an example.

While I was making waffles with a date, he kept commenting on my process.

“Why do you need measuring cups?”

“That’s a lot of batter you made.”

“It’s way too thick.”

“It might have been easier if you had done it this way.”

Now granted that was a lot of criticism over just making waffles. But, after only one or two comments, I felt hurt. Instantly, I labeled my feelings as too sensitive. I thought, “He’s not maligning my character. Why am I being so defensive?” But I was ignoring a sign from my emotional intuition that his communication dynamic would not be right for me. In fact people with my personality loathe criticism and avoid it like it’s a deadly snake!

This is based on the Myers-Briggs test. The test is based on Carl Jung's work and has been widely accepted as a benchmark in the psychology field for many years. If you’re curious about your type, you can take the test at this link. There’s lots of helpful information, including a nice section about how each type relates in love relationships.

Also, for further reading regarding intuition, check out Sherrie Dillard’s excellent article, Intuitive Ladder (to understanding relationships) at FemCentral.com. She gives an easy, practical process on honing into that small voice that is directing you toward your best relationships and your highest good.

What ways do you tune in?

Are Your Emotions Driving You?

2011-10-18T16:35:00.000-07:00

I know the answer to this question.  If you've read my blog for any length of time you do too...But I'm a sucker for quizzes and when this one came up on Oprah.com, I HAD to take it.  My results are below.

Stuck
     People with this style understand their feelings but can't get over them. They tend to dwell on past events—say, the end of a relationship or some injustice once suffered at work—and believe that whatever emotion they are suffering will last forever.

     The solution lies in addressing the emotion, rather than the experience that caused it. Instead of asking yourself, What did I do to deserve this? ask yourself, What can I do to feel better right now? When I invite my clients to try this exercise, they typically report back, "I did it, it felt great, but now I'm feeling sad (or angry or whatever) again." Well, of course—a bike ride or a meal at a four-star restaurant isn't going to change anyone's life permanently! I explain, "The good news is that you made the troubling emotion go away. And that proves that your worst fear—that you will feel this troubling emotion forever—is not valid." Often, this is the moment they realize that they are in control: By changing what they do, they can change how they feel.
Quiz developed by JONATHAN KAPLAN, PHD, a clinical psychologist in New York City.

If you have time, the quiz only takes about 10 minutes. If you don't mind posting your results, I'd love to see them!

Irresistibly Sweet Blog Award

2011-10-17T19:13:00.000-07:00

Since I missed two posts (Men! They're always interfering with my real work.) here's an extra.

I got this award from Laura The-Queen-of-Fabulous-Timing at Daily Dodo.

I'd had an absolutely rotten day and then I get my very first, shiny blog award! Yay!!

I'm passing on the love to these witty and engaging ladies:

Ellie at: The Forgotten Muse

Lady Jayne's Pillow Book

Lisa at: Diary of a Square Toothed Girl

Please check out their noteworthy posts and give them the attention they deserve.

Cherry Picking

2011-10-17T12:00:00.000-07:00

One of the perks of online dating is the ability to meet people you wouldn't normally run into in your day-to-day activities. Having said that though, there is a downside.

Say you meet someone that you've really clicked with and you've gone out several times. You want to explore something serious with this person and become exclusive. However, what do you do with the fact that you both have profiles online and will continue to receive communication from other interested parties?

The only way to deal with the ambiguity is communication. I know it's difficult. You risk rejection and looking foolish when you throw your guts out there and ask. But there really isn't any other way. The fact that you've made extra time for them, even that you've shared romantic and even intimate evenings with them is not enough to clarify what your position is. Actions do not always spell out the whole picture. In my experience, actions plus words are the only way to determine how you both feel.

If you broach the topic and find that the communication is not well received - what I mean is you get one of these types of responses:

I don't want to put a hold on my profile right now
I need to keep dating and find someone that's right for me
I need something more relaxed
You want to become exclusive already?!

Move on. For whatever reason, this person is not as invested as you are. If you've already felt a strong heart tug in their direction and they do not, it will not change by you sticking around and making yourself constantly available for them. Otherwise, you run the risk of becoming just a stand-in for them. This does not mean punish them with your absence.What I am saying is that they are having no problem remembering their needs so you need to honor yours.

Yours is to find someone that is willing to explore the possibility of love while focusing on you. You deserve that.

Twenty Questions

2011-10-14T21:09:00.000-07:00

On a coffee date a few weeks ago, I was dismayed at my date's conversational approach. He barely sat down and started shooting out questions rapid fire: How long have you lived here? Where do you work? How long have you been divorced? What year was that you said? How many kids? Any other relationships? Why did you live in California? He would peer intently at me like I was trying to hide something and it made me nervous. Was this a coffee date or was it an interrogation?

In my last post, I acknowledge the importance of knowing what you're getting into before you waste precious energy with someone not worthy of you. But surely, this is not the way.

There is a balance to engaging conversation-especially in the first phases of a relationship. In The Art of Self Exposure by Martha Beck, she explains that a driving human need is to be known. But there is a process - a natural unfolding. When it's done well, it is not unlike a seductive strip tease. It's more satisfying and enjoyable than showing it all at once.

In the same regard when your date is asking too many questions up front it feels like a violation. It is unnatural and frankly icky. Your chances for a second date are probably slim unless you're looking to meet someone that doesn't mind abrupt, probing behavior.

What tips do you have for enjoyable first-date conversations?

Look Before You Leap

2011-10-12T17:59:00.000-07:00

You are likely to feel a tremendous amount of trust for this person and view them in an idealistic way. And yet if you allow yourself to trust them more than you trust your own instincts, you are certain to be disappointed. Neptune South Node Conjunction

Cosmic Love by Jan Spiller

I have been an astrology junkie since junior high and love spending time learning about it. I do not believe it’s predictive, but I have witnessed how accurate the influences can be. I especially love synching up my chart with my new love interest’s to see the possible effects on an intimate relationship. One of my favorite resources for this is Jan Spiller’s Cosmic love . On her website there’s a handy dandy form for you to plug in information for both you and your honey on birth dates, times and birthplace. As soon as you push the submit button, an email is automatically sent to your inbox. The quote above is part of the report for my recent toad-monster.

I had high hopes for this one. We had gone on a record four dates and each one was absolutely great. He seemed different:

• He wanted to go running with me on the first date (rather than get me drunk at happy hour)

• He cooked for me on the second date

• He wanted to go to my kids’ high school football game on the third

• He was excited to try yoga with me on the fourth

In addition, he had made a big deal about saying how he didn’t do much dating while he raised his boys after the divorce. The kids were the priority.

The first time I met him, I was wildly turned on by all of this. But, I have learned the hard way that jumping into an intimate relationship too soon pretty much just leads to a casual fling. If you’ve had a different experience – by all means chime in in the comments below. But, speaking purely from my own experience over the last 3 years, guys tend to not try as hard after a few rolls in the hay. Besides, I’m just not cut out for casual sex.

Knowing this, I explained to him my position on the second date. I was careful to emphasize that it had nothing to do with my attraction level. It is all about protecting my emotional health. He seemed to understand and we had more wonderful dates.

But on the fourth date, things changed. We were on the way to the mall to shop for his son’s birthday present when he asked me if I would be agreeable to hanging out at his place and watching a movie.

I was like, “Today??”

“Yeah”

“Well, no I wouldn’t be comfortable with that because going back to your place to watch a movie is code for ‘Can we fool around?”’ And I’m just not comfortable doing that until I know we’re exclusive. We’re both on Match.com right now and we’d have to close our accounts.

Again I emphasized how attracted I was to him.

He seemed slightly sheepish and while the rest of the date went really well (and he was physically affectionate the whole time) I felt an invisible barrier descend.

Monday, I texted him with, “Miss You.” He didn’t respond for quite awhile and when he did it was standoffish.

The next day, (yesterday) I needed to go to the doctor and knew he lived close by. I asked if he would be home so I could stop by and say hi. He seemed glad to see me on the spur of the moment.

When I got there, he kissed me a lot. We chit chatted and then I felt the barrier again. I commented on it and he said, “Yeah that started on Sunday.”

“Oh because I wouldn’t have sex with you?”

“I knew you would think that” (big smile). I just started thinking about it and I really don’t want to go off Match right now. I need to find someone that’s right for me and I need something that’s more relaxed. I want someone that could move in here and you couldn’t do that with your kids.

This was quite a shocker to me since we had just been kissing and now he was giving me kiss-off. Also, my profile is quite clear that I have my kids 50% of the time. I felt foolish and dumped. I didn’t waste any time.

I’ve been in this position before with men, they realize they’re not going to get any and they pull back. They become aloof. I said to myself, ”It doesn’t matter how much your feelings are hurt right now, have some dignity and get the hell out of here. You know from past creeps that negotiating never works.”

I looked at him hard and said, “We’re done here.” With that I got up off the couch scooped up my coat and proceeded to leave. He was like, “I’ll walk you out to your car.”

“Please don’t bother.” And I stomped off.

That night I was so mad I texted him and called him on his lousy reasons for rejecting me. I called him on his hurt ego and told him he needed to man up and realize that he was only with me for the possibility of sex.

The best response he could come up with was excuses about my religious and political beliefs. Once again I reminded him that these things were clearly stated on my profile. I wasn’t hiding anything.

He apologized and texted, “You’re right. I’m sorry.”

I still felt crappy but I was mollified.

Still spent the night tossing and turning and crying.

This morning he texted me again, “ Good Morning. I really enjoyed you and your family.”

That sent me over the edge again and I sent a very long text explaining why he needed to lose my contact information and never contact me again. “While I appreciated your apology last night I don’t appreciate how things transpired with you. All your objections about me were things that were clearly spelled out in my profile and yet you wanted to become physical anyway. I have to conclude that u were not sincere in seeking a long term relationship with me but would have gone for the kitty anyway. I’m done with this pattern with men despite what u might have mistakenly concluded from my blog. My learning curve has been a long hurtful process and at this point I don’t even want to be friends with you. My friends truly care about all of me, not just the physical.”

His reply, “Once I saw your stretch mark (sic) at yoga I did not want to have physical relationship so please believe that I did not want to have sex with you.”

Thank you for proving me right you jackass.

I guess today wasn't so bad after all

2011-10-11T20:44:00.000-07:00

I got this timely award from Laura at dailydodo.blogspot.com/.Please check out her noteworthy work and give her lots of yummy comments.

Isn't it purty?! I soooo needed it since my eyelids are the size of half-melons due to bawling over my yucky day.

Maybe God loves me after all....

One More Toad on the Way......

2011-10-11T18:43:00.000-07:00

I had a really lousy day today....

Found one more gem of a guy that appeared to want a relationship but changed his mind about me.

The catalyst for him was that he was offended that I didn't want to put out until I knew him better. He says that's not it, but frankly when he offered his reasons, they didn't add up. It was just a bunch of B.S. Interestingly he was sucking my face off right before he came clean. The coming clean came after I prompted him. He didn't have the guts to start the conversation himself.

I'm angry, confused and frankly every time this happens I wonder if it's ever possible to meet someone that is sincere.

Full story tomorrow. It's good one I promise.

Emotional Freedom Technique

2011-10-10T12:00:00.000-07:00

The lover that got away.......

You had such high hopes for creating a loving relationship and sharing your life with this person. But for one reason or another it just didn't work out and now you have to do the hard work of healing your heart. It can be excruciating and sometimes about the only thing that helps you even brush your teeth in the morning is your belief that with time the longing for your lost love will lessen. But what about those times when it doesn't?

It's been many months, even a year and you know it's in your best interest to move on, but your emotions and heart refuse to buy in as they continue to fondle memories about good times with your old flame. Your repetitious, toxic thoughts keep you stuck. I found myself in this position recently.

An old lover came back into my life at a point where I had just put myself back together. I thought I could be involved with this person casually and not have it affect me. But I was wrong. After one date, I started obsessing about him again and why I couldn't have him in my life. Eventually it started affecting my ability to write and I kept waking up in the morning with a stomach ache. I tried all the healthy things I thought would help: I kept up my exercise routine, I continued to journal (copiously), I kept going out and doing enjoyable things with my friends, and I talked with my therapist, but the thoughts, feelings and physical pain continued to hound me. One morning at yoga I started crying and that night at a writer's networking meeting I just couldn't concentrate and felt like I was about to bawl my eyes out at any moment. This is sooo friggen' ridiculous!

I remembered that a friend had recommended the Emotional Freedom Technique, and I called her for a referral to a practitioner. I was desperate for relief even though I was skeptical.

She had explained it as tapping on various places on your face and upper body while verbalizing the emotions you're experiencing along with statements that negate your erroneous thoughts.

The concept is similar to acupuncture except that you're tapping on your energy meridians as opposed to sticking needles in them. If you're interested in an explanation about how acupuncture works, click here. The link takes you to a website of a local practitioner that I worked with for a year when I was diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. The tapping work is paired with affirmations.

I was introduced to the power of affirmations a few years ago when I bought Louise Hay's book You Can Heal Your Life. Her work was completely transformative for me as it helped me start to change my thoughts about myself, life, health and love. I knew both of these modalities worked for me so why was I skeptical? After all, Gwen (EFT practitioner) was offering a complimentary half-hour session. What did I have to lose?

After just ONE session with Gwen, I experienced amazing results and lots of relief. That day I felt a little drained but peaceful. In the evening, I had a huge burst of energy and had one of the best workouts at the gym ever. Over the course of the next several days it felt like my thoughts about my ex were actually physically moving to a different place in my brain and I was able to view the incident from an entirely new vantage point. This was something that I struggled to do many, many times before, but simply could not think my way to a better place. I needed help and man did she!

Since that session, I have been happily dating and feeling magnificently peaceful about NOT having my ex in my life. I feel somewhat sad - EFT will not numb you out, but the level of emotions you experience will be manageable and not debilitating.

If you can relate, email Gwen Orwiler at Your Strongest Life.com. She can help you get on with living and finding truly loving relationships that make your heart sing!

Today is A Bust

2011-10-09T21:26:00.000-07:00

Today was a delicious day despite the grey and uninspiring weather. But, my thoughts have been entirely too ungrounded and flighty to attempt any sort of linear communication on this blog. Sorry....

Try back by tomorrow. I am posting about the amazing effects I've experienced with the Emotional Freedom Technique. I'll be giving a shout out to my friend and gifted healer, Gwen Orwiler an EFT Practitioner.

Until then my lovelies!

First Date Jitters

2011-10-08T21:31:00.000-07:00

It's hard meeting someone new for the first time. Just a few of the million-and-one things running through your mind:

Is my breath okay?
Is the tag on my shirt sticking out?
God, I should read the newspaper more.....
Crap, I should have allowed more time to find parking.
I hope they don't see my car it's so dirty.
Just fake some confidence!

There's so many of these niggling thoughts running through your brain that sometimes you might say stuff just to drown it out or fill the awkward silence. For instance, I've noted that sometimes when guys are nervous they'll try to impress you with talk of their assets, (Did I tell you have a condo in Venezuela that I hate going to alone?) or worse past sexual conquests.

Silence really is better than talk about these things. I wonder exactly what type of effect did they hope to achieve? "Oh my God! That makes me so horny! Can we go back to your place now?" So what do you do when you feel lots of angst in the presence of someone you really want to impress?

It's trite, but true - Just be yourself. If you can't be yourself, it will never work with the person across the table from you. Owning exactly who you are (not your things or how well you perform) is so incredibly sexy - especially to the right one. Own your nervousness. The authenticity will be charming. If who you are is talking about those things I mentioned that I despised...at least it's one less date you have to go on.

Love Notes

2011-10-07T17:07:00.000-07:00

     At the start of a dating relationship, it’s perfectly normal to want to connect frequently with the object of your desire. But if you’re spending the bulk of your day, texting, emailing and Facebooking them, especially after only one or two dates, you could be sending the wrong message.

     It can give the impression that you don’t have much of a life or worse you’re desperate. That’s a big turn off. Nothing squashes the bloom of first love like over-watering. It’s not necessary to force a garden to grow when the conditions are right.

     Three times in the last year, I’ve gone on a date with a guy I found attractive and intriguing only to dump them a couple of days later because of the amount of email and texts that clogged my inboxes. Don’t get me wrong, I love the rush of communicating with my latest crush. But like most adults I have a life.

I have to balance my leisure time with:

• My work (those of us that have a job right now are mighty thankful)

• Being there for my kids and friends

• My personal goals - staying in shape and improving my writing.

     If you find yourself compulsively texting and emailing ask yourself: What am I hoping to accomplish with all this communication? Why do I insist on reminding them to pay attention to me? Am I worried that they’ll forget about how great our date was? Another great question: If you went on a job interview, would you expect to monopolize your prospective bosses’ time with texts and emails?

     Of course not. You would treat his time as important and with respect. You would probably follow up with A thank you note and emphasize how much you were looking forward to talking again. Why would you do it differently with a possible love interest? The point is to woo, not bludgeon.

Dating Red Flags Checklist

2011-10-06T22:00:00.000-07:00

I got this awesome checklist from Susan Feinstein at Perfect Pairings - a site for conscious singles.

I. Projecting the Future:

1. Would I want to spend the rest of my life with

this person exactly as they are?

2. Would I want this person to raise my child?

3. Would I want my child to be exactly like this person?

II. Are You Talking Yourself Into a Relationship?

4. ____ Do I want to rescue or "help" them because I see their potential?

5. ____ I love the way they look or their status and it builds my

self-esteem to be with them.

6. ____ We have some things in common and so I'm avoiding

looking at glaring differences.

7. ____ They appear to be totally different than people I've been

with in the past.

8. ____ I'm focusing on one important quality (money, sex, fun, humor, etc) and

ignoring unmet requirements.

III. Danger Signs

9. ____ Reacts to frustration with anger, rage, blame

10. ____ Blames others or circumstances for life situation

11. ____ Tries to control everything, including me

12. ____ Immature, impulsive, and/or irresponsible

13. ____ Emotionally distant or void, aloof

14. ____ Still pining for a past relationship

15. ____ Wants me to make their sad life better

16. ____ Married or otherwise unavailable to commit to me

17. ____ Active addiction, addictive behavior (rationalized as "not a problem")

IV. Other Common Red Flags

18. _____ Is pessimistic and negative about things that matter to me

19. _____ Lacks integrity in dealing with people, money, etc.

20. _____ Judgmental attitude toward themselves & others

21. _____ Unwilling to self-examine, accept feedback, take responsibility

22. _____ Doesn't keep agreements

23. _____ What they say about themselves doesn't match reality

24. _____ Emotional roller coaster, recurring or regular emotional drama

25. ______This isn't what I really want, but I don't want to be alone

26. _____ Changeable, inconsistent behavior

27. _____ Inability to listen

28. _____ I notice myself trying to change this person to fit what I want,

instead of accepting them for who they are

29. _____ Talks too much (especially about self), monopolizes conversation

30. _____ Overly quiet, withdrawn

This list was developed by David Steele, the founder of the Relationship Coaching Institute.

Homecoming Dance

2011-10-05T22:12:00.000-07:00

Image courtesy of freeextras.com

My daughter loves participating in her high school’s spirit weeks. This is homecoming week and today was Disney character day. Since we don’t have the money right now for some extracurricular things, she made her own Tinkerbell costume. She probably got more enjoyment out of doing that than going to the store and buying one. Plus, I think she looks uber cute!

Tonight we’re going shopping for her dress for the dance. She’s buying it with the money she made from cleaning her grandma’s house. She wanted to attend the dance even though she doesn’t have a date. I’m so proud of her creativity and resourcefulness. She will not be a woman that waits around for a man in order to have a fulfilling and fun life.

I’m not saying it’s wrong to want to share your life with a sweetheart or that women and men don’t need each other. What I am saying is that there are so many times when we underestimate our own power to create a happy outcome for ourselves especially during those things that are considered “couples events.”

· Holidays

· Weddings

· Dances

I’m sure you can think of a few more to add to the list.

Sometimes it feels like you’re the only pathetic single person in the world, enduring these things alone, but for pete’s sake – don’t ACT like it! You might be missing the chance to meet another very eligible, cute, hot (insert whatever adjective turns you on here) single person at the event you’re avoiding!

When did you decide to go to something alone and how did it turn out for you?

This is a quickie....

2011-10-04T22:32:00.000-07:00

I'm pretty tired and it's late, but I want to keep my commitment to blogging everyday in October.

In the last couple of days, I've talked to four men that have commented on women's height requirements. They all have said that women have told them that they won't date guys under 6 feet. If that is true, I am embarrased!

While I will admit that I do not like to date a guy the same height or shorter than me (I'm 5' 6") I've been attracted to men that were definitely not 6'.

What is it exactly about the height thing that women are loathe to let go of? Do they feel more protected? More feminine? Does it feel like the guy is more manly?

Ladies - please chime in.

Sprinting is Exhilarating, but Running a Marathon is Sexy

2011-10-03T11:17:00.000-07:00

In a previous post, I expressed my disgust with romantiholics. These people want the fun perks of a relationship: flirting, holding hands, sexy emails and text messages, spooning, cuddling, and ultimately the comfort of physical intimacy. But they don't want to do the work of getting to know you. They are looking for instant gratification – many times unconsciously.

It's not easy to spot them like some sort of villain with a black hat and pencil mustache. These people hold down stable jobs, pay the bills on time, have plush lawns, take wonderful care of the kids or elders, and volunteer for their local charity. But there are a few clues when they take you out for the first time:

They will attempt to instigate more physical contact than you want. For instance, I am OK with holding hands, but become uncomfortable when someone puts their hand on my thigh while we’re sitting close.

They buy more alcohol than necessary. If I ask for wine, I want one glass not the bottle. Generous, but angling nonetheless.

For a second date, they suggest “watching a movie” at their house or yours. It’s a prelude to foreplay and hopefully sex.

They try to keep you talking and the date going when you’ve expressed clearly that you’re tired and want to go home

They’re good people and they do these things despite their best intentions because there is a deep, abiding undercurrent of emotional discontent that is gnawing at their insides that they just want to shut up and numb out. It’s painful to listen. If they do they’ll discover that:

The thought of one more night eating Cup ‘o Noodles alone is terrifying.
They drink more coffee than they should to amp up for uninspiring jobs
Their recent knee surgery makes them feel old because they can’t work out like they used to.
Their teen’s disastrous misbehavior (pregnancy or binge drinking) makes them feel like a failure as a parent.

But a purely romantic partner will not ease the ache of these things. Only they can diagnose the remedy and must administer it themselves.

I know this because I have been this person. I used to acquiesce to the date behaviors I mentioned and treat the health of my emotional life badly. I would take it to heights that it’s not meant to go to all at once. Just like when I used to eat a donut and coffee for breakfast there was always a dramatic crash later.

Mating Rituals

2011-10-02T20:23:00.000-07:00

Photo courtesy of National Wildlife Federation's blog

I had coffee with a man today at Starbucks and we compared what we want from our experience on Match.com

He said that he doesn't want to put on his profile what he owns (beach condo), what he does and how much he makes. He doesn't want to attract the type of woman that is unnecessarily focused on that.

I explained that it's the same for women, but in a different manner.

We don't want men to look at our pictures and not read our profiles. We want to be valued for more than what we bring to the table physically.

It's an ancient conflict. Men want someone that physically turns them on so that they will feel like mating. Women instinctively look for a good provider to take care of the result of the mating.

These facts are by no means new, but many times we continue to act on them unconsciously in our dating rituals and dismiss potentially meaningful connections.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that we should go out with someone that we have to grit our teeth over. But try these consciousness-expanders on for size.

For men: Consider dating a woman that is average in body type, but is working out four times a week because she is focused on bettering herself and living a healthier lifestyle. Maybe she will be a better friend and lover for you than that gal you're lusting over at the gym because she's learned the value of developing herself internally.

For women: Consider the guy that has a low-paying, but meaningful career. He'll be more relaxed and better able to emotionally connect to you than the workaholic that's always chasing his deadlines and dollars.

What other consciousness-expanders would you suggest?

NaBloWriMo 2011

2011-10-01T16:35:00.000-07:00

I've committed (and will probably be committed) to writing one blog post a month for National Bloggers Writing Month.

I just found out about it today and it seemed like a good idea.

This is all I have for now. I'm rushing to get ready for a date.....

More stuff tomorrow.

Instant Sexual Chemistry or Acquired Taste?

2011-09-25T20:21:00.000-07:00

Art courtesy of michelart.net

After three years of dating, I've had plenty of time and opportunity to research and reflect on the laws of first attraction and chemistry. One of the nasty little truths that I've come to accept is - either we're attracted up front or we're not. I say it's nasty because it's offensive when someone dismisses us without taking much time to get to know us.

In my own humble observations and discussions with friends, (no scientific polling done) most men are willing to admit to being interested in women solely for their looks. But, women can be the same about men. They don't like to admit it, especially because they think men are dogs for letting their visual senses guide them. I've berated myself time and again when I've decided not to have a second date with someone because there's no initial attraction. One of the meanest things I say to myself is, I guess I'm just too superficial. But I think (again purely subjective analysis here) there is a difference on how men and women process initial chemistry - or lack thereof. The difference is that women are more open to giving someone an extended chance if they believe the gentleman has other stellar characteristics.

I've been extremely attracted to men that didn't meet the classic definition of hot, let alone good-looking. They possessed these desirable qualities :

emotionally and physically available for a relationship
self-assurance
listened to and remembered what is most important to me
courted me (lots of romantic gestures: flowers, dinners and drinks out)
enjoyed frequent communication
matched my energy level (into physical fitness)
a certain level of success in their chosen profession
I felt I could learn something from them

An added benefit was that I was even more attractive to them since I could focus.

Psychology Today (bonafide researchers) conducted a study showing that the higher our level of physical attraction, the less our chances of making a good impression because our cognitive abilities wear thin in the presence of lip-smacking lusciousness. On the other side of the coin, when I step back and think about my first dates that went nowhere, I discover that there were some red flags, other than just looks, that prevented a second date.

Just three things were deal-breakers and pushed me away:

A sense of desperation - talking about how lonely they were, how tired they were of being alone, they couldn't figure out why they were still single, etc...
Over-complimenting me (maybe this should go in number 1)
Attempting to rush me into physical contact

It's really too bad because I'm sick of being alone too, but better to be alone then be with someone you can't stand.

What's your take on the the laws/rules of initial attraction?

Trigger Food Part II

2011-09-19T15:28:00.000-07:00

When I got home from my date with Jay I didn't know how to feel. I had stopped crying and felt stronger but I was really confused. On the one hand, I had just re-connected with the first person in over 20 years that I was completely head-over-heels in love with. But on the other hand, he admitted he wasn't ready for a relationship yet and probably just wanted sex. I had no expectations in meeting him, but is this what I got for reaching out to him purely in friendship? My troubled thoughts were interrupted by a text from him.
"Foot rub, chocolate cake, and watch a movie at your place? Feel free to make suggestions." Ick....this is exactly the same pattern that our relationship took last time. It was all too much so I texted back, "Kind of tired. I'll text or call you tomorrow." What I journaled that night was a reflection of how much the strong self-assured woman I had become had evaporated.

Sweetie~I want you to have your individuality. I know how much I prize mine. But, I do know I want a relationship. I realize that term is fluid in that it means different things to different people. Of course I want things to be fun. Who doesn't? I'm not asking you to marry me, but I do need to know I can count on you. I can't go through not knowing when I'll hear from your or see you again if we're having a sexual relationship. I do miss having you in my life.

Pretty nebulous huh? I went to bed hoping that I would intuit some miraculous solution in the morning. But intuition isn't showy, loud or intoxicating. By morning, it was drowned out by the romantic high Jay and I created the night before and I chose to ignore what It had already quietly communicated to me. All I could focus on was that I wanted more.
     I had forgotten all the hard-won lessons Jay had taught me. Namely, that I need a mate that is consistently available to show me the love and affection I deserve. Actually, I hadn't forgotten, I was weary of being patient and committing to my needs. Why couldn't I ever just loosen up and have some fun? In my addiction, I could not reason. I wanted what I wanted. I rationalized that I would talk with him about my feelings and needs before we got into any hanky panky. I abandoned myself and gave him the green light to come over.
    He showed up but kept me waiting for 45 minutes. Again, I remembered that this was part of his m.o. when we dated before. He was somewhat polite about it in that he texted me and let me know he was going to be late. But like before there were a ton of little things that got in the way of showing me I was important enough to be on time for. When he finally did make it, he sure looked delicious. He exuded handsomeness in a light blue polo and ivory colored shorts. I had to mightily reign in my appreciation. I was knocked off guard. Having him close, smiling sexily at me and hugging me tightly again made me feel like my feelings were not important. They could wait and be ignored. After all, they were so pesky and high-maintenance.
     We sat down to watch one of my favorite movies, Catfish. It's a documentary about the deception of online relationships being real. It's probably not a coincidence that I chose it because it mirrored the tone of my relationship with Jay - very alluring, but no substance. It became quickly apparent that he wasn't really into the movie. I didn't mind cuddling, but I held off when he became blatantly interested in going to 3rd base. I wanted and needed so much more from him. Even though I had blown off my intuition it was faithful to remind me that I am entitled to have someone that just wanted to be with me for me. After a few passes, he changed his tack and asked me to scratch his back. I wanted to and he quickly ripped his shirt off and positioned himself between my legs. It was hot out and I was wearing shorts which led to quicker skin-to-skin contact.
     As I saw his bare flesh on his torso and it met with my thighs, a trigger happened. It was like the first wave of an alcohol induced buzz. I was caught in the gravitational force of it and I didn't want to summon the strength to break free. For the next several minutes, I sensuously ran my fingers over his skin while he groaned appreciatively. Now I was really turned on and started hugging him with my legs. He turned his head and reached with his lips to kiss me passionately. But, things from there went downhill.
    He took off my shirt too quickly and hurt my breasts when he attempted some sort of technique that I imagine must have been gleaned from an online porn site. I was insulted and loudly said "OUCH!" He looked a little surprised (maybe it was a technique some other woman appreciated) and apologized. We continued to kiss, things got steamy again and I suggested we move to the bedroom.
     I won't go into all the details of what happened because it was a let down. Not because I was expecting some sort of wildly erotic adventure, but because there were many hurtful clues that this wasn't going to be about bonding. It was just about sex. My heart wasn't in that and my performance was lackluster I'm sure. I used to be able to ignore that and just completely give myself away. I can't do that anymore. Besides his rough handling didn't get any better.
     We decided to stop since it wasn't really going anywhere and an old back injury flared up. We tried to talk for awhile. I told him I thought he was afraid of me. He said, "I don't want to hurt anybody, but I know that if I don't focus on what I want (his career) I'll never get it." A few minutes later he revealed that he couldn't even spend the night because he had a coaching session lined up for 5 a.m. the next morning. No wonder he had been in such a hurry. He begged me not to be mad at him.
     Reluctantly I walked him to the door. My cat intercepted him. He started petting her and imitating what he thought she might say to him, "Why haven't you come around before now asshole?" Yes indeed. I said goodbye with a sinking heart knowing that it would be a very long time if ever that I would see him again. I had accused him the night before of being Houdini. He had bristled at the description, but the truth is he enjoyed disappearing.
     In the next two months, his staying in touch would consist of just two short emails. When I responded to the second one, I shared that I was preparing to go to the Willamette Writers Conference and what a huge, scary step it was for me because I was pitching my book concept to several agents. He never followed up to see what happened.
      A month later it was his birthday. I sent him a text and tried to call, but he didn't respond. I noticed on Facebook that he had made the time to respond to all kinds of people. I guess the ones that he has sex with do not rate the same as Facebook friends. I also had an awful stab of pain when I saw his affectionate response to some woman that had laboriously typed out the Happy Birthday song to him. He called her sweetie. I remembered when I used to be that to him and it was too much to bear. I called a close friend and cried.
     Mercifully, she listened patiently to my heartbreak. I may not be the best at choosing men, but thank God I can choose loyal and loving friends. To Jay's credit, he had been honest with me about the fact that he wasn't ready for a relationship and I had adjusted my expectations. But, I had at least hoped to be treated like a friend. No matter how much I lowered my expectations for him, they were never low enough. After I had run out of sad things to say, she said she would be sure to follow up with me tomorrow. I felt a little better and remembered I had an appointment with my therapist.
     When I sat down in her office the next day, the thought flashed in my memory that she had predicted this would happen. I'd had an appointment with her a couple of months earlier right after the weekend dates.
      She looked concerned when I told her what happened but I assured her that I was fine. Yes, I knew he wasn't ready for a relationship, but I could take it. She ventured that although I might feel alright then, the feelings I had had for Jay would insidiously creep back in and start to gnaw at me. As I sat in her office now, I knew she was right. I was shamed by the experience. It didn't help that she pointedly reflected that it was really sad that I had just put myself back together right before he contacted me again. She followed up with how much I sell myself short. I was sufficiently chagrined and wanted to do better for my own self respect. Her prescription for my obsession swamp was to cut off all contact.
     Another close friend had recommended the same. When I met two other friends for lunch after the appointment, they dittoed the advice. Of course, right as I agreed to the necessity of this, Jay texted me, "Thanks! (for the birthday wishes) I'll call later tonight. :-)" My friends ferociously rose to the occasion, "Don't answer his call tonight!" I was like, "Don't worry, I'm cooking for my friend Tom and I wouldn't be so rude as to answer the phone." They were relieved. But, Jay somehow knew and didn't call until after Tom left.
     I debated whether to answer, but decided I wanted to tell him a few things for my own peace of mind. He immediately started apologizing about how little he'd been in contact and that he had no real excuse except that he was (as always) very stressed about work.    He was working very long hours and getting an average of four hours sleep a night. He also sounded high. He had admitted in an earlier conversation that he smoked weed whenever he got the chance. Tired of listening patiently to all his troubles, I finally broke in and said, "There's a few things I need to say to you. I can't do the friends with benefits thing with you - not that I expect you'd be asking me to anytime soon. I made an exception for you because of my feelings, but it's not like you're even my friend."
    "Because I'm not communicating with you. Yeah, I can't do friends with benefits either. It cheapens it and it's sooo intimate."
    "Yes and I really rely on my friends for communication."
    "As soon as the next two weeks are done, and the project at work is over, I'll be in contact."
    "I probably won't though."
    "No, I'll contact you."
    "Okay, I know you're tired. I'm going to let you go."
    "I'm sorry."
"Bye Jay."
     Although the breaking of my heart has not been as extensive as the first time I allowed him to massacre it, the last several days have been very difficult. It's been building up for weeks. I've had lots of digestive issues because I obsess about him and worry that if I don't initiate contact, I'll never talk to him again. I also have some insomnia and cried at yoga this morning. The pain is good for me though because it reminds me that this is not love.
     I was introduced to this poem several years ago and read it with disdain because I thought I would never relate to it. My self-righteousness has been properly banished.

There's a hole in my side walk

by Portia Nelson

Chapter 1.
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost…
I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter 2.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I cant believe I am in this same place.
But it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in… its a habit.
But, my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter 4.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter 5.
I walk down another street.

__________________

Trigger Food

2011-09-04T09:21:00.000-07:00

Joe's Crab Shack logo courtesy of bizjournals.com

When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated. The Gifts of Imperfection~Brené Brown

My new-found commitment to what gives me joy and validates my self worth is not due to any biological ties to spiritual gurus or Wonder Woman. It's merely my own fallible human nature kicking my butt that has given me the strength and persistence to pursue what is truly best for me. Sometimes falling flat on your face works wonders that way. With that in mind, I would change Brené's quote only slightly:

When we fail to set boundaries and hold people and ourselves accountable for what we need, we feel used and mistreated.

Jay made a brief but significant appearance in my life again. In case you don't know who he is, he's the reason for this blog and one of the most significant teachers in my life that's pushed me towards a sacred quest for self-love and acceptance . If you want to know the backstory, check out my old posts:
December 2009

I understand if it's too much and you want to skip all that. I frequently get sick of it myself. The gist of the story is, he's the only man that I've loved fully and without reserve. Therefore he's the only one that I've ever given the chance to completely break down and open my heart. There's been just one other long-term relationship in my life that was similar (and sadly, it wasn't my marriage.) What I've gone through emotionally was such a landmark for me that I chose to start writing a book about it and what I've learned on finding the love within.

Last spring as I was writing my notes about our relationship and diligently excavating all the memories, I began feeling much stronger. Something about documenting it all rationally and factually caused me to look at it from a broader, non-tortuous perspective. My heart and mind were experiencing lots of healing. I was also having a great time communicating with a couple of men on eHarmony. I thought I could finally let go of him completely and find the true love of my life. But as Paulo Coelho says in The Alchemist,

"...before a dream is realized, the Soul of the World tests everything that was learned along the way. It does this not because it is evil, but so that we can, in addition to realizing our dreams, master the lessons we've learned as we've moved toward that dream."

You're bright, intelligent and spiritual people so I bet you can guess what happened. Yep! At the end of May, Jay contacted me.

I did a triple take when I saw his email in my queue. I honestly never expected to hear from him again. He wasn't the best at keeping in touch and had a lot of things in his life he was ironing out due to some major life transitions.

He said that he appreciated all the support I had given him while he was going through the rough times. He hoped I was doing well, sent me his new phone number, and invited me to call anytime. Naturally, my curiosity was piqued. I still loved him and wanted to know how he was doing. I decided to respond and told him that I would call that evening.

It was strange hearing his voice again. It had been 18 months. It seemed like a lifetime ago. But, it was easy to fall back into the repore we shared. He was engaging, humble, funny and sweet. These were some of the characteristics that made me fall in love with him. One of the most powerful was how I felt when we talked or were together.

The version of Holly-Marie with Jay was a heightened, larger-than-life me. Everything was in bold, vivid color. It was something like the moment in The Wizard of Oz when Dorothy opens the door of her dilapidated little Kansas home and sees Munchkin land for the first time.

photo courtesy of katelandersevents.blogspot.com

There were two reasons for this. There was a palpable electric chemistry between us - even without flirting. He also has a knack for really listening to what I'm saying and responding with what I need to hear to feel supported. When he was paying attention, I felt like the most important person in the world. Before we knew it we had talked for over an hour and it was past my bedtime. I told him how much I missed him and he said he felt the same. Then he said something prophetic, "I'll be pestering you." Not wanting to analyze things too much I laughed and told him he was welcome to do that. I wish I would have had the courage to ask what that meant. When I didn't, I moved away from what I really needed and stopped honoring all the messy, painful emotions I had endured in getting over him. I didn't realize it, but I had been hooked in again. I was hoping to manipulate more communication time by behaving more carefree than I felt.

The pestering turned out to be the me-ruminating-about-it-kind since I didn't hear anything from him for the next month. I tried to analyze it with some friends. One of my guy friends said that after everything I'd been through he couldn't believe I'd responded to Jay's email. He said impassionately, "Why wouldn't you just tell him 'Look you can't give me what I need! Don't contact me anymore!' " I patiently explained that I cared about Jay's wellbeing. While I would see him if he asked me to, I knew better than to ever sleep with him again. God! That was a totally euphemistic assessment of my sobriety. Stressful circumstances would conspire to test my resolve.

In order to give my writing a higher priority in my life, I needed more time. I decided to take off one day a week from my day job to do this. But, the status of my ex-husband's work was tenuous and therefore so was the child support I rely on to make my house payment. Even though I'd gone over my budget, it would be tight and I was anxious. My son didn't think much of my decision, even though it had been partially motivated by my desire to be an example to him and his sister about the value of pursuing your dreams. We had gotten in a big fight over it and he angrily left the house. I didn't know where he went or if he was coming back. Thankfully, he called his dad. My ex told me he was alright and picked him up. But, the chest ache from the confrontation remained. Also, the writer's conference I was attending to pitch my book proposal was coming up and I was blocked. I felt heavy and lethargic with all my hurt and apprehensions. I remembered how supportive Jay was when he was available and called him.

I poured all this out and as usual, he was a fantastic listener. He helped me see another side of things and even made me laugh. I felt so much better. He shared some about what was happening in his life and that he had reached a personal goal. For a reward he was planning on taking himself out to a nice dinner. Out of nowhere he said, "Want to go with me?" Incredulous I responded, "Are you asking me??"

"Yeah!"

"Well, okay! Awesome!"

We made plans to meet at a restaurant by the river two nights later. Slightly stunned, but happy, I hung up the phone. What just happened? I had called with no expectations except to connect with a friend and suddenly I was going out to a nice dinner? Well, whatever took place, I didn't want to start imagining outcomes that didn't exist.

As I got dressed to go on Friday, I didn't take more time than I would if I were meeting a girlfriend. In the past, I turned all my dates with Jay into an exhaustive performance. I thought that if my appearance was flawlessly gorgeous and I weighed and measured every word I said, he would change his mind. His readiness for a relationship was the real issue. Tonight would be different.

I was meeting a good friend for dinner. Nothing more. I reminded myself to remain grounded at all times and honestly assess how I was feeling during our time together. I wouldn't idealize him. I would remember my worth. I would remember how much I have to offer. But, for all this pep talk, I still arrived at the restaurant with a nervous belly.

It was a beautiful, soft, summer evening and the place was packed with people anxious to enjoy what little warm weather Mother Nature was affording us this year. As I walked through the door, he sent me a text, "In the bar." With more anticipation than a girl at her first dance, I rounded the corner between the bar and the entrance. Finally, after all these months of remembering, dreaming and drinking to forget, there he was. I tried not to gawk when I saw that he was as handsome as ever. He had managed to snag us a table by the window. Perfect. He stood up and we hugged. Instantly, every little cell in my body responded. There was no other feeling for me like being embraced by him. But there was no way I was going to let on. When I did that before he had to leave. I wanted to enjoy this moment and keep it light.

We both ordered a large serving of King Crab and paired it with a margarita.

pic courtesy of grubgrade.com

The waitress generously supplied a whole roll of paper towels. I was daunted by the pliers used to break the shell (I'd never eaten crab in the shell before) but I had fun learning. As we talked about our kids, life, our past, I was doing pretty well with the remaining-grounded-and-checking-in-with-my-feelings-thing. But, I noticed after about half an hour that I wanted to leap over the table and tackle him. The urge was strong despite no sex talk or flirting. It bothered me because I didn't want to feel the pull of this again. I thought I could control it. Heck it wasn't just a pull it was on par with a gravitational force. It increased and as it did, I also noticed a feeling of desperate anxiety taking over. I dreaded the end of the evening. I finally excused myself and went to the bathroom.

Thankfully, I was alone in there. I looked at myself in the mirror, did some deep breathing and talked to myself. He's just a guy. Don't panic. Relax. Accept what is. As my heart rate slowed and the pounding in my head decreased, I was able to go back out. He was paying the bill and we prepared to leave.

While we walked to my car, I ventured asking if he wanted to walk by the river. He hesitated as he was pretty tired. It had been a long day for him. I felt myself say in a small voice, "Only if you want to." We couldn't anyway since the access was blocked. We remembered this had happened to us once before when we had attempted to take this same walk. Interesting. We continued towards my car. When we got there, I turned towards him and he pulled me into his strong, exquisite hug. He started talking (about what, I don't have a clue) and I realized he wasn't letting me go. Before I even registered what was happening, I was kissing him gently on the neck. Yeah, the grounded thingy had abruptly gone awol.

I looked up at him and impulsively he bent his head toward mine and started kissing me. It was soft, sensual and slow. The power of it combined with the warm breeze, the moon and the river was so overwhelming that I don't think we would have noticed if a UFO had abducted us. He pulled back, looked at me and said, "What are you doing tomorrow night?"

I responded, "As a matter of fact, nothing." Really, I had reserved the whole weekend for writing, but I rationalized that I could do that during the day and see him at night.

"There's just one thing though. I'm still not ready for a relationship. I'm focused on my career and my son. It needs to be fun and in the moment. There's something about a relationship that's controlling."

Stung I said, "I don't want to be controlling."

"Oh that didn't come out right."

"Are you involved with anyone else sexually?"

"No."

"Because I can't be with you in that way if you are. I would have to think about what you're saying. I don't know if it would work for me."

"That's okay. I respect you for that."

"You know it's different for women."

"This is funny."

"It's not funny in here," I pointed to my chest.

He could see that I was pained.

He said, "I don't really think this is funny. I laugh not because I'm cavalier, but because...." he didn't finish.

"I really do want to see you tomorrow."

We kissed more and I ran my fingers lightly under his shirt and up his strong back.

"Ohhhh, I have missed your back sratchies. You're a good kisser"

"So are you."

"We're going to have to stop or I will do you here in the parking lot."

"Sorry, but I have more class than that. Anyway, you're tired. You should go."

"Okay, well talk to you tomorrow?"

" Yes, I'll let you know tomorrow."

As I got in my car, I started to cry. A small but firm voice said, "You KNOW that this won't work for you." I knew it was right, but I was desperate to ignore it.

My Date With Courage

2011-08-21T18:34:00.000-07:00

Last post I wrote about giving precedence to what truly gives me fulfillment and pause the dating. One of the ways I have chosen to do that is to focus on my writing. Lately, it has been my hot weekend date. At first I was resistant to this change.

I wasn't sure that the isolation was going to jive with my natural proclivity to socialize. I cannot stand being isolated. But as I reflected more, what message was I giving myself? Is pursuing a life of expressing myself creatively (something I've always yearned for) too much damn work? Too inconvenient? Am I not worth it? I realized I was marginalizing the longings of my soul. If I want a consistently loving mate that is willing to commit to me, I have to stop skimming the surface of my deepest desires just because I'm afraid I might be bored. In addition to the spiritual work, I had a practical goal in mind. I wanted to have my shit together to attend the Willamette Writers Conference the first weekend in August.

Many well-known writers as well as literary and screenwriting agents attend. This year, Gus Van Sant was making an appearance to receive The Distinguished NW Writer Award. Also Erik Bork, whose work includes Band of Brothers and From the Earth to the Moon with Tom Hanks, would be speaking during one of our lunch hours about the role of persistence in fairy-tale endings.

I was excited to attend and had high hopes. I had been working for several months on a book proposal based on my blog with Charlotte Rains Dixon, a local book coach and was ready to pitch it to eight agents.

At first, I romantically believed that there was a chance to sign with an agent at the conference. At the meetings I attended pre-conference, much was made about the chance to do so. But after participating in my first two group pitches, I realized the absurdity of that notion. It would be like going on one speed date and getting married.

The group pitches consisted of six writers sitting around a table with an agent. Each one has a turn for three minutes to showcase their idea. There is only twenty minutes total allowed in the session-and this time limit is strictly enforced by proctors-so each person must adhere to their sliver of time and blurt out their concept. After each pitch the agent, auctioneer-speed-style, belts out a few words of feedback. Then it's over. Depending on the time of day and the personality of the agent, some feedback was more helpful than others.

One agent told a woman next to me with a delightful concept that she hadn't said anything to convince her to pay $27 for her book. I gasped inwardly. The same agent told me that there are "a lot of books out there like yours." It wasn't easy to give credence to her perspective since she was about half my age. My ego meanly rationalized that people from the east coast are hard-boiled like that. I hoped that my three, one-on-one appointments would be smoother since I had a whopping ten minutes to seduce. Again, my idealized notions proved false.

After listening to my story, one agent told me "men are just shallow like that" and that I had a lot of work to do. It was a challenge to engage her as she was clearly tired. The ten minutes dragged on like I was delivering a dry, Sunday sermon. I finally gave up, thanked her for her time and walked out early. This was the end of five pitches, my second day at the conference and I still had three more pitches to go on Sunday.

I was demoralized and wasn't sure if I could keep showing up for feedback that was high on criticism and low on praise. It was difficult to keep throwing my guts out there. The exercise was particularly painful because my book is about me and my search for love, meaning and ultimately my own worthiness. It's intimate and much more precious to me than some fictional concept I came up with for a novel. When the response was lackluster, it seemed like my life, my experiences, what I've learned and have to contribute, didn't matter. I went home and collapsed exhausted on the couch for a menage-a-trois with ice cream and wine. I also spoke with a caring friend and vegged out. After I had the chance to remove myself emotionally from the situations and observe from a detached viewpoint, I started to see that there were a few helpful threads in the sessions that I could take to heart.

Three of the agents did give everyone their cards and invited us to submit our work. During one of my recovery times after a rough pitch, I met Julie Fast, a best-selling author in the hotel cafe. She asked me how the conference was going for me and we started talking about my blog. She took the time to look at it on her phone and generously offered to forward my proposal to her agent. I appreciated her friendly and warm advice. I also remembered something that Jennifer Lauck, author of the New York Times Bestseller, Blackbird, said at one of the Willamette Writers meetings last spring.

She admonished us that our job is to believe in ourselves and our story. We have to just keep talking and talking about it to anyone that will listen. Recalling her words got me up off the couch and I abandoned my lovers. I wanted more for my life than a hangover and a bigger pants size.

I woke up early the next morning and re-wrote my pitch. I didn't care what happened, I would write down the feedback I received with humility and gracefully apply what I could. I had three consults to go and I was going to make the best of them.

Two of the agents seemed to get me and delivered truly beneficial counsel. Both of them shared that I needed to continue to increase my blog's visibility. I knew that made sense as publishers nowadays want to see a large following to have some guarantee that your book will sell. One of them gave me her contact information but wanted to see the full manuscript. That's fine, it will help me persevere in completing the book if I know I have an open door. Both of them said that I was on the right path. Other things happened differently from the day before. Probably because I felt stronger and clearer for overcoming my fear. The sweet part was when I passed along my renewed sense of faith to others.

While waiting to do my first pitch, I admitted to an aloof writer that I learned some things I needed to know from listening to her on a previous pitch. She appeared to be as competitively driven as I am and looked ambivalent about the compliment. But, I could tell it meant something. Anyway, I felt better for it. Then, after my last pitch, I wandered with relief into the lobby. I saw an older lady that had been extremely nervous during my first group pitch. It had been tough for her. I sat down next to her and asked how things were going. She brightened up with the attention and we laughed together about our encounters with some of the same challenging agents. I was also able to give her some tips on blogging. As I stood to go to a class she said, "You've changed a life today." Wow! Instantly, I felt tears spring to my eyes.

My contribution does matter. Jennifer was right. I just have to keep believing. So do you.

Share your story about you pushed through the fear of going for something you really wanted. Your contribution will increase everyone's courage.

It's Just Me....

2011-08-12T07:00:00.000-07:00

If you've read my blog for any length of time you know that there have been some patterns I've been struggling to break in regards to my relationships with the opposite sex.

For too long I've been the playmate of unavailable men while I nursed the ignorant notion that at some point they would change their minds. Even though I've turned a corner on that one and managed not to entertain anymore squatters, there's something else just as troubling going on.

Candidates for my affection come on strong, seem to be full of good-relationship juju and for no apparent reason, fizzle out. I take that back, one had a reason; I was not a skier. He chose to boldly assert that "we should just have a fun summer together anyway since we would never be serious." I politely declined. Brandon was a perplexing one though.

I met him through eHarmony. When he introduced himself he wrote me a tome of an email and proceeded to chat me up all day on Facebook. I was humored by his enthusiasm but explained that as a government employee I have to be mindful of the ethics issues regarding personal use of my work computer. He toned it down, but continued to show heated interest over the next month. Quite a bit of the time was spent talking about how much he loves being in a relationship and wasn't looking for a one-night stand. There was even big talk of his flying me out to Virginia Beach (where he worked) or he would come out here and we would visit the Gorge. Since this would be a long-distance thing I asked if we could Skype to get to know one another better. He agreed, but there was always some reason why he couldn't make time. After awhile Brandon would only contact me extremely late at night in his timezone. It was obvious there was nothing else for him to do. During the day, he was always busy with other things. Sometimes he didn't return texts until days later. Fed up, I texted him and told him not to contact me anymore. I made a choice at that time not to get involved with anymore romatiholics. There was one last attempt from another guy on the east coast (the fuel for my angry blog on July 6th).

I realized that if these were the types I was attracting, I must be doing this to myself on some deeper level I didn't perceive. Maybe I had been merely flirting with committment to loving dedication to my own life. (As I wrote this I had a sensation of something unlocking and shifting in my chest....interesting.) I wasn't sure how to craft these new vows to myself, but I knew a few ways I could begin:

I started journaling again first thing every morning to connect with myself before I do anything else. This is harder than it seems. My first impulse is to put the focus on others and open up email right away. The compulsion here is to see if anyone cares and has contacted me.
I focused on creating stronger connections in the relationships I already had with my real friends and my kids. I discovered one easy but powerful way to do this is say prayers of gratitude and petition for them in the shower. I know the shower seems like multi-tasking rather than true focus, but I always have my best inspiration there.
I did not renew my eHarmony membership and turned down dates. I also cut down on general socializing in favor of really concentrating on my writing. (I attended The Willamette Writers Conference last weekend and I wanted to have a book proposal ready.) The writing never fails to give me feelings of fulfillment and achievement. In turn, I respect myself more. Although I do have to contend with a pesky ribbon of panic that constricts my nerves and tautly suggests I may miss out on something or someone hot.

At times, this settling down has lacked a certain something and been boring. But, there is a peace and relief in acknowledging the beauty of my life just as it is right now rather than striving for something new and sexy all the time. I want and need to show up with consistent appreciation for my life. Otherwise I give myself the impression that there is something more exciting or important than me around the corner.

My magical adventure....What was I smoking?

2011-07-06T15:40:00.000-07:00

I never thought I'd say this, but sometimes the search is not so magical. Yes I know that each adventure is fraught with peril (or at least inconvenience).  But today I'm at the point where it appears all men are the same. At least those that are single.
     They come on strong in the beginning and promise you the moon. Here are some phrases that I am well aquainted with. "I could commit to you." "Where would we live if we were married?" "If you were my wife....(insert whatever phrase suits your fancy here)," "I'm considering marrying you." "All I'm offering you is my unconditional love." "I'm not looking for a one-night stand." "I am here for you 24/7." "Let's go ring shopping!" All these things have been said to me within the first month of knowing a man. The more stellar fellers shoot their wad within two weeks.
     It's like a kid gazing through the plate glass window at the puppies or kitties or whatever the adorable baby animal is at the pet store. The child will say or do anything to get to take that sweet little creature home so that they can play with it and say it's theirs. But after a few days, the novelty wears off. Ewwwww! You mean I have to actually worry about it's well-being? Translate that situation to dating and so-called adults.
     After a few weeks of getting to know her, he determines that she's not whatever fantasy he's conjured up or watched on late-night porn. She might actually need him to listen to some really boring day-to-day stuff without zoning out. She might have an emotion other than those induced by alcohol. She might have a life she needs to cultivate too. (I note this one because I corresponded with a guy on eHarmony that related that he needed lots of alone time for personal reflection but wanted to date someone with lots of free time.) This doesn't jive with his sensation-seeking-vibe because his own empty-shell-of-a-life demands that he find someone that can fill him up. In some cases, he has managed to graduate from the status of player to monogamous fuck-buddy, but not life partner. And so he noticeably cools off (Didn't I tell you I was going on a sabbatical today?) or just plain disappears. Kind of like flushing that not-so-cute-anymore baby alligator down the toilet so you don't have to deal with it. And that's wrong.
     Don't misunderstand me, I accept that we all have our own paths of evolution. Just don't get in my way on the advanced hiking trail if you've only acquired enough skills for a leisurely stroll. Because if you collide with me, I'll get injured.
     My injury won't be obvious because it will be internal.  Although I've learned to protect my emotional health and be more cautious, each one of these let-downs has the effect of taking me down for a little while. Being open to the possibility of a relationship requires vulnerability. Because mine has been stomped on, tripped over or just plain ignored, it takes time to repair my confidence. It also takes time to regain the courage to believe that the next one could be a full-fledged man. A man with faults and shortcomings, but a man nonetheless.
My apologies for this diatribe to those very few-and-far-between men out there.

Unworthiness~ My field trip buddy

2011-07-03T16:37:00.000-07:00

     Remember elementary school field trips? There was the excitement of escaping the routine, the anticipation of traveling and learning something new.  But as much as I appreciated the novelty, it wasn't so much fun if I couldn't choose my "buddy." You know the person you had to hold hands with in order to shrink down the number of kids the teacher had to keep an eye on? If the teacher assigned me a buddy, it could upset the whole adventure-apple-cart.
     A slow-poke ensured that we'd always be stuck at the back of the group. {trying} Or there were the inquisitive types. They were the ones that asked annoying questions with obvious answers or too many questions. {embarrassing} And God forbid I got one of the sweaty-palmed ones. {just plain yuck} On my field trip to the land of love, I've been stuck with an absolutely shitty buddy - unworthiness.
     I find that unclasping hands is about as easy as defying my third grade teacher would have been. How is it done? I am pondering that question this morning because last night I hooked up with my old pal again.
     This time it wasn't about a lover or potential boyfriend. My clash was with a man that will always have a place of prime importance in my heart - my son.
     I've had a lot of anxiety about his mood the last couple of days and suggested some activities that I thought would help. Apparently my anxiety caused my suggestion to come out as a command and he balked. Things escalated in the conversation and he stormed out of the house. Thankfully he called his Dad and he brought him back to my home. During our talk, Sam admitted he'd been angry with me for an important decision I'd recently made.
    I decided that I needed more time and rest to work on my writing and chose to ask for one day off a week from work. My boss is supportive of my creative endeavors and agreed to this on an interim basis. While I am thrilled to have the freedom to pursue something that is truly meaningful and fulfilling for me, it will be a cut in pay. My salary at full-time is already modest.  Sam is well aware of this and expressed his anger at possibly being affected. In fact he asserted that he didn't think I ever analyze things very well. That really stung.....I began crying - sobbing really.
     Thoughout my life I have had to contend with the more analytical types' review of my decision-making process. As an intuitive I am sure I have appeared silly and ungrounded at times. However, when I truly follow my pure instinct or feeling about what is right for me, I have an uncanny ability to always make things work out for the best. I know this about myself, but comments about my seeming lack of ability to see the facts in a situation still hurt. They hurt deeply - especially when I know that I have gone through all the steps to making an informed choice. So, if I'm happy with how I've come to my conclusion, why do I care?
     Like any parent, I crave the approval of my kids. Yes I know we're not supposed to, but I do. We all do. I want them to be proud of me.  I don't think I will ever be able to completely discard that one - nor should I. But seeking affirmation from your loved ones versus those you date is a completely different matter. Why do I?
     Each guy that hasn't worked out has done a number on me. Initially, my brain gets stuck in this torturous mental loop of, "What did I do wrong" even when the guy is wrong for me or not ready.  At the root of this is the belief that I'm not truly worthy of real and lasting love with my soulmate. Instead of just enjoying the process that will lead to unity with my life partner, I create confusion and suffering because I don't really trust that it will happen for me.
     Part of the joy of being an adult is having the privilege of choice. I want to invoke that privilege and start enjoying my field trip.

Taj Mahal Love

2011-06-22T19:45:00.000-07:00

I needed to remind myself today about what I really, truly yearn for in my soul.

I was ruminating over whether I should be concerned that a possible love interest hadn't called when he said he would. He knew I was stressed over a big decision and needed to talk. I reasoned, "Well things happen and maybe he couldn't call." But when it's two days later and I don't even receive the courtesy of an email or text.......it's a no-brainer to admit that the guy I've been corresponding with for a month is not life partner material. Dejected over once again attracting someone with so little potential, I looked at my soulmate vision board for inspiration. One of the most prominent pictures is the Taj Mahal.

Emperor Shah Jahan built it in 1653 as a mausoleum for his beloved wife, Mumtaz Mahal who died in childbirth. This was not her original name, but he gave it to her because it meant "Jewel of the Palace." The Emperor loved her so much that they were inseparable. He even took her on his military campaigns. The structure took 22 years to build with 22,000 artisans and craftsmen. As I gazed at the photo tonight, I reflected on what that kind of love would feel like.

I imagined it would feel like sacred devotion, divine, complete, pure, expansive, maybe even worshipful.

Don't allow your inner cynic to take over. The Taj Mahal stands as a monument that such love does exist. Maybe if we insisted on it, it would be more plentiful.

Can I get an "Amen Sista?"

Ghostly visitor

2011-03-31T05:00:00.000-07:00

Two days ago was the anniversary of my dad's death. It's usually a very crappy day for me. I feel emotional or drained and just off-kilter. This year was no exception. I experienced all those feelings while he possessed the guy I've been seeing.

My dad was a complicated guy. He was crazy-making, talented, compassionate, and emotionally abusive. He could be sensitive and in-tune with your emotions one week and a complete narcissistic asshole the next. His addiction to alcohol intensified the latter. As a child I loved him with all my heart but struggled to understand why the object of my adoration could not be counted on. As I got older, I grew weary of trying to make sense of it all and accepted the fact that he would probably never make a lasting change in his behavior. Despite this introduction to men and relationships, I have been one of the most hopeful and positive people I know.

I have unfailingly believed in the power of human potential and the good in all of us. When I hear someone say how hard dating is in this area, or how there's a higher ratio of single women to men or that all the good ones are taken, I have turned away in disgust and thought, "What unoriginal wimps." Like any law-of-attraction, new-age devotee I have steadfastly held to the notion that you get what you believe in. After the events of this week, I'm ready to chuck it all and become a confirmed apostate again. (I abandoned Christian dogma a few years ago.)

I've been cautiously experimenting with eHarmony. I met someone that managed to give all the right answers to my carefully crafted questions. But after a big show of readiness to bond and some reciprocity from me, he suddenly held me at arms length. Withdrawal.... I'm watching him ride off in the sunset alone while I sit on my dumped dusty butt. Yet anther emotionally stunted individual that is in love with the idea of love.

I'm really too exhausted and fed up at this point to recount the story. And anyway, read one of my previous installments - you'll get the gist. Yep, I'm feeling sorry for myself.......If you were hoping for inspiration today, you're in the wrong place.

Dodging Intimacy

2011-03-24T21:11:00.000-07:00

A couple of weeks ago, was girls weekend. We shopped, ate out at one of the finest restaurants in town, crafted and watched movies. One of them was "Up In the Air" with George Clooney. (I know I'm a little behind the times but I'm on a Netflix budget!) If you haven't seen it - fair warning - I'm giving away some of the plot.

George's character, Ryan Bingham flies all over the country as a grim reaper for hire to downsizing companies. He delivers the ax to staff in place of squeamish managers. His biggest motivation in life is to be the 7th person ever to attain 10 million frequent flier miles so that his name will be emblazoned on the side of a plane. Meanwhile his relationship with his two sisters is anemic. There's no wife, girlfriend or even ex and sex is merely something to try in as many locations and positions as possible. Sadly, he desires at one point to make more of a connection than a flight only to be dropped flat on his Peter Pannish butt. The character development doesn't require the viewer to be the brightest bulb in the chandelier to figure out that Clooney is keeping intimacy at arms length. It got me to thinking though.

I may appear to be welcoming intimacy in a big way, but I know that I have little habits that push people away. The devil is in the details.

Sometimes, when I get a text from someone I'm interested in I've not answered right away, because I didn't want to seem too available. The truth is, I love communicating - the more the better. When I put it off, I squelch my naturally enthusiastic response for my admirer. A few months ago, a guy on an online dating site asked me on a Saturday morning if I could go out that night. Despite the fact that I had no plans, I considered turning him down because I worried that I would seem dull if I was available. But in truth, I loved the rush I got from the spontaneity of his request. Thankfully, I put my ego on the shelf for the night and had a great date. What about the times I've deflected a compliment because I'm not feeling good about myself that day? Most of all, what about when I've silenced my need to vent because I didn't want to seem too high maintenance? If I can't be true to revealing the essential me, how will I ever attract the one that is madly in love with me exactly as I am?

He sees my cowlicks, pepper in my teeth, witnesses my immature moments and still adores me and wants to create a committed, loving relationship. Here's to attracting you baby.

The Kiss

2011-03-04T06:51:00.000-08:00

What Wikipedia has to say about Gustav Klimt's The Kiss, "(It) is a discreet expression of Klimt’s emphasis on eroticism and the liberation therein."

The Soul Dictionary according to Holly St. Pierre - "This is the nurturing embrace of a mate that cherishes and adores me. He is ecstatic to have found me and will never let me go. I am safe and secure enough to close my eyes and fully experience the moment. I do not have to look around anxiously trying to anticipate when he'll disengage and move on to something else that captures his attention."

One of the feng shui techniques I learned from The Soulmate Secret was to place images around your house of loving couples to energize the environment with romantic vibes. Eager to fulfill this exercise I searched for this print to hang in my bedroom. Strangely, I had no success in finding it around town over the last year. I chose not to search the internet because it lacked a certain connection.

After Mom's passing, my coworkers generously contributed towards a gift card for me. Their instructions were to use it in any way that would bring comfort. I wanted to find something that would memorialize my Mom, but also have personal meaning. This would not be an easy task since we were frequently on different pages.

I settled on finding frames for some photos I had bought at an art fair several years ago. The images are boldly colorful and depict doorways around the world. For me they symbolise the curious thrill of unknown outcomes to the choices we make. They would remind me of Mom because she always made time to appreciate art. As a bonus, I could hang them up in my cube at work to brighten it's dull beige tones and in appreciation to my peers. Buoyed by pride in the inclusiveness of my decision, I went to the local craft store frame sale for a Friday night adventure.

I quickly became dispirited though when I found out that there was only one frame that fit the photos. While adequate, it lacked sufficient pizzazz.

The sales associate approached me and asked if I needed help. Normally, I'm quite independent and like to do things for myself. I almost said no thanks, but on an intuitive impulse I asked if she would show me where the rest of the sale frames were.

She took me to another frame aisle and there was the Klimt print. Some helpful Cupid had left It there all by itself for me to discover! Ahhhhh, my little adventure had been a success after all.

When I let go of control, magical things happen. Maybe I'm closer to my goal than I realize.....

The End or the Beginning?

2011-01-26T06:31:00.000-08:00

When I started this blog a little over a year ago I was emotionally raw because a relationship with someone I cared about deeply had abruptly ended.  (See my archives - December 2009.) My grief and confusion were so overwhelming at times that I looked for a creative project to distract and give me respite.  During a book shopping trip, I discovered Arielle Ford's The Soulmate Secret.
The dust jacket irrisistably promised a love magic that would deliver what I had yearned for for years - my life partner.   Although I was skeptical, I decided it might be therapeutic, or at least entertaining, to work through the exercises and chronicle my experiences.  The results have not been what I expected. Instead of being united with my beloved, I have gained the ability to love and cherish myself - even when my behavior does not meet my standards.
A few weeks ago, I was traveling home alone from a difficult visit with my Mom while she was enduring stomach cancer.  I reflected on the anxiety that had been building up in my psyche over the last few weeks and how I chose to cope with it.
I dreaded watching the suffering she would experience. It looked like she would be starving to death and the doctors and her husband didn't seem to be in tune with what would help ease her condition.    Also, I resented being pulled into such intimate collaboration with certain relatives. I had successfully avoided much interaction for years because I felt I had endured enough dysfunction in my childhood.  Most of all, Mom's illness reminded me of my own inescapable mortality. My frightening thoughts ranged from, " I am middle aged and no one will want me when I'm old" to "My life is half over and what have I really accomplished?" I allowed the thoughts and feelings coursing through my brain and body, to put me in fear mode rather than love and I felt alone. I did not trust the Universe to guide and sustain me when I could not see the path ahead.  Instead, I chose to create some diversions that were comforting in the short term but left me feeling worse. I knew what I was doing, but could not stop myself.
Souls that buddy up to forget their pain, eventually move on to more enticing territory and my companions in my quick fixes were no exception. They deserted me when I needed more than just a good time. (See Ken's response in my November 15, 2010 archive.) Also, a beautiful younger lover called me after a few dates and announced that "we're just too opposite" and it wouldn't work for him in the long term. I was mostly okay with that because we were at different places in our lives but there was an ironic searing sting when he "unfriended" me on Facebook.   Now I felt even more abandoned and I still had to face Mom's inevitable transition. (Her suffering mercifully ended on December 28th.)
As I reviewed my actions, the guilt mounted in the face of my scowling, incredibly-high-standards-inner-critic.  In the past, I would have prostrated myself to this dragon lady, done some self-flagellation and vowed to never sin again. But, I have gained the awareness that that method doesn't really work. It just forces the wounded, ashamed you into a corner and you end up looking for the quickest escape route. I had to have the courage to stand up and face the truth of her withering accusations and extend the emboldening embrace of forgiveness to myself . I breathed deeply and practiced this unfamiliar skill for a few minutes. I noticed that I was beginning to experience the warming glow of compassion for myself and my situation.   Just as I had eased into appreciating this aware but tranquil state, I remembered Jay (the catalyst for this whole blog pilgrimage).
In the crisis of the dissolution of his family he searched for solace. I showed up. While I believe that we could have created a loving sustainable relationship because of our natural affinity on many levels, he wasn't ready.  Our time together was a quick fix for him.  Previously, this knowledge had caused bitter disapointment and misunderstanding for me.  But in light of my recent experience, grace overflowed from my soul cup and extended to him.
I immediately experienced a vacuum-like physical sensation that extended out through the top of my head. It was gentle but definite and was accompanied by a soft whooshing sound.  The lightening sensation was relieving and truly thrilling. Tears welled in my eyes as I understood.  Three days later I received an email with the subject line, "Do you know Jay Wilson?"
All at once, I was startled, befuddled and delighted. I opened it and discovered it was an auto-generated email from an online business networking group I had created a profile for. Out of all the people listed in the Portland area, the program randomly chose to send his contact information to me. It was synchronistically freaky delicious. There was a big blue button marked CONTACT  in the middle of the email. As I remember and write this, it seems clearly apparent what my next step should have been. However, I was confused.
On the one hand, I cared very much about how he was doing and was dying for the chance to find out. There would have been nothing better I would have liked than to be in touch again. But, I was also scared.  I knew that in my heart of hearts I wasn't completely over him.  Could I initiate contact and just be his friend rather than hoping for a specific outcome?  What if he ignored my attempt to communicate? Would it embarrass me too much? I had done a lot of healing and wasn't keen on re-opening any wounds. Lost in my ruminations, I didn't do anything for two weeks. I didn't delete the email though. I love his name and seeing it in my queue again made me feel good.
While I was spending a productive day at home cleaning out files and listening to an inspirational podcast, I glanced over at my computer and for probably the hundredth time saw the email with his name in the subject line. I thought, You obviously want to do something with this opportunity. Bite the bullet already! With a jolt of courage, I clicked on the CONNECT button and a couple of hours later, I received an email back. He expressed an interest in communicating and wanted to know how things were going.
He shared that the past year had been very rough for him. There was still wreckage from his divorce to deal with and while he had accomplished some very difficult tasks, his experiences were nasty and overwhelming.
I felt bad because months after we parted, I had several dreams that he was in distress.  I had dismissed these dreams as my wishful self that was missing him and would use whatever opportunity I could to see him even if it was only in my dreams. But his email confirmed that I actually was receiving accurate messages about what he was going through. I could have reached out and inquired, but I was chose not to because I couldn't face the humbling realization that maybe I was truly and deeply connected to someone that couldn't reciprocate.  Like Hugh Grant's character Will said in Notting Hill, "It's like I've taken love heroin and I can't have anymore." I wanted only what I thought would make me feel better - to erase him from my memory. I chose to perform a spiritual ritual that I thought would help. (See my April blog.) It didn't. I eventually had to surrender to the fact that the situation was what it was and that no amount of covering it up with spirituality would change my feelings. Only surrendering would heal me.
And so I wanted to write back that I wished I could have been there for him. But I remembered that he had made it clear that emotional support of the kind I was offering made him feel trapped because it might interfere with his goals.  His circumstances dictated that he wasn't ready. If I wanted to be a true, loving friend, not make him uncomfortable and acknowledge that there is an accurate divine timing to everything, I would support him in whatever way worked for him. I was happy to be communicating again and didn't want to mess it up. So I stuck to writing about safer topics:  my career aspirations and how my kids were doing.  I also shared that I had been writing. He asked about it and in a thoughtless, crowing moment I told him that I was writing a blog. After I sent the email, I wondered what the hell I was doing.
Did I really want him to read about what had transpired for me emotionally after our encounter? Could I stand being that vulnerable? My ego loves to hide my pain and appear strong and confident. Would I seem maudlin?    Thankfully, my wiser self reminded me that I have to be who I am regardless of others' responses. No more compromises.
I sent him the link to my blog with an explanation of the content and told him if he didn't want to read it I would understand. I also thanked him because without our meeting, it might have taken more time for me to learn the importance of connecting with myself and my writing. In his next email he said, to my surprise, that he read the blog.
He apologized for his behaviour and explained that he never meant to cause me so much pain. He also admitted that he should have been more honest about his intention during our dating. He still wasn't looking for a partner because he needed time and energy to work on himself and enjoy his kids. I was touched by the bittersweet admission.
I expressed that while I was disappointed and wished that things could be different, I understood. I reaffirmed my love and care for him and that he would always hold a special place in my heart. I worried that this might scare him off but I had to be real. I did not get a response.
And so, I feel as my first year of blogging comes to a close that a cycle has been completed.  I am not united with my soulmate yet, but I am filled with faith and hope because I have learned the invaluable lesson of loving myself.  It is the crucial element in finding the love I desire and deserve.

Part 5 - What I've learned

2010-11-14T18:32:00.000-08:00

Before my second trip down to visit my Mom, I became very anxious because the first one had been traumatic. She had an intense episode due to dehydration and collapsed in the bathroom. She was babbling incoherently and her eyes were glazed and bugged out. We called 911. As I waited with her in the bathroom, I thought she was dying at that moment. I was alone with her while her husband was making the call.  The few minutes seemed like an eternity. All I could do was cry and say over and over, "It's alright Mommy" and stroke her hair.   The paramedics came and took her to the hospital to stabilize her. It was a tall order since she hadn't been eating or drinking anything of substance for weeks. When I got home from that trip I was exhausted physically, emotionally and mentally. It took me almost the whole week to recover. About the time I started to feel better, I had to prepare to drive down again. I was frightened and lonely. I drank too much the night before and texted Ken.
Other than a short phone call, I hadn't heard from him since his late-night visit a few weeks prior. I told him I was thinking about him and that I missed him. It was pretty late when I sent the text so I didn't really expect a response that night.
At work the next morning, I was walking through the department passing out benefit packages when my phone rang. I was happy to see that it was Ken. He told me he was sorry that he missed my text the night before and needed to tell me something. With no preamble whatsoever, he launched into telling me he'd been seeing someone else for the past two weeks. I felt the color drain from my face and realized that a couple of my co-workers were looking at me. I asked if he could hold on a minute while I scrambled to find an empty conference room to escape my fish bowl.
I stammered that I was glad he told me but was in shock and at a loss for anything else to say. He gleefully started recounting how he met her and finally realized his gaffe after a minute of gushing. I was immediately heartbroken and started sobbing. He asked if I was okay. Angered, I asked how he thought I was. I also pointedly inserted that I hoped to God that she went to his church. He said she hadn't gone in awhile but that she was willing to. Huh..... He heartlessly went on to state that he was dating her exclusively and took that very seriously so we couldn't have anymore contact.  Pretty hypocritical when three weeks earlier he had told me he still loved me. I wondered if the new object of his affection knew that if she would have been as excited to be "exclusive" with him. He finally came down to earth long enough to ask why I had called. Embarrassed and vulnerable, I choked out that I was getting ready to visit my Mom again and wanted to be comforted by the sound of his voice. His "Oh" rang hollow and disconnected. My knight had irrevocably fallen off his steed. I didn't want to appear anymore pathetic than I already felt so I stammered I had work to do. We said goodbye and there was a complete finality to it.
I spent the rest of my work day running into the bathroom for bouts of crying. Thankfully it was a Friday and the place was practically deserted. That was six weeks ago and I haven't heard anything from him since.  That's a good thing. I've learned that I will never knowingly put myself in a position again to feel wrong for my spiritual path.
During one of the many difficult conversations with Ken, I was attempting to explain why I did not want to commit to one path.  I could see it wasn't clicking for him so I said that I wanted to be able to experience God in as many ways as I could. I've always felt that way for as long as I can remember. Even during my childhood, I remember being fascinated with all things related to God.   I see now that that's a beautiful thing. It's something to cherish and be proud of. In fact, despite all the romantic bumps in the road over the last year, I have learned that there are many qualities I love about myself:
Kind, generous, compassionate, intensely creative, nurturing, fabulous conversationalist, spiritually eclectic, inclusive, witty, energetic, and inspirational.
Maybe, I need to change my list to mirror these qualities. Or maybe, I just need to concentrate on the love I've discovered for myself. It's not outside of me - it was right here within me all the time.

Part 4 OR This Bears a Striking Resemblance to the Thorn Birds

2010-11-14T09:43:00.000-08:00

Image via WikipediaWhen I was growing up I used to hear men exclaim that women were so frustrating because of how often they changed their minds. After a few weeks of dating Ken I knew exactly how they felt. One week he loved me madly. Another week he claimed he lacked the commitment to accept me fully for who I am because my spirituality scared him.  The only constant in the relationship was that he could not make up his mind.

Finally, we mutually decided that we couldn't be involved romantically.  I would have preferred to cut things off clean, but he strongly expressed a desire to keep me in his life as a friend.  That meant that we couldn't hang out physically, only talk on the phone. I understood this logic somewhat since I did not desire to become physically intimate with someone I cared about so deeply but wasn't ready for a relationship and have them leave.  I had already done that with Jay. But, like an exhausted gymnast attempting to climb a rope, my hold on Ken was slipping. My wise self knew that it was for the best and I felt I could gather the strength and courage to let him go.  But he had some need to remind me of his continuing romantic feelings for me by sending me a few flirtatious emails.  I called him on it and he stopped.  Remember The Supreme's song, "You Keep Me Hangin' On"? Still, most of the time, I felt strong and good and was standing up for my emotional health - until I hit a major road block.

I found out in the late summer that my Mom had stomach cancer and she was terminal. I'm not particularly close to my Mom, but, I was petrified. My Dad died from cancer 20 years ago and the awful memories of his intense suffering came rushing back. Despite our relational differences, I was scared for her to go through that.   Also, I dreaded the notion that I would have to engage with my family.

I had managed to avoid much of that in the last couple of years. There's a reason that I live four hours from them. My childhood was crazy-making and as an adult I made the decision to create some distance.  I wasn't keen on getting back together and bonding over such a god-awful event.   The pressure of the possibilities had a strange effect on me.

I went out dancing the weekend after I learned of my Mom's diagnosis and met an extremely cute guy. He asked for my number, but he looked a bit too young. I gave it to him anyway because I really didn't think he would call. He did and I found out he could almost qualify as cougar bait. My vanity didn't like it, but I wanted desperately to avoid my feelings of dread about my Mom's illness and move on from Ken. I thought the fun would do me good. After a brief dalliance (translation: euphemistic term for a lustful romp) my anxiety only increased. It's the same effect when you stop taking an anti-anxiety medication.  It coupled with my building resentment about the future for a combustible reaction.

I deeply resented the fact that I would have to walk through my Mom's illness alone - without a mate. I have supportive friends that I adore, but it wasn't the same. For a year I had done all this work on myself and where was he?! One night, I became so fearful, I started hyperventilating and crying uncontrollably. Huge heaving sobs were racking my body.  I was alone.  The kids were with their Dad. I needed someone just to hold me and stop me from spinning out. I was desperate. I called Ken.

He answered right away, but I couldn't talk much since my body was too busy blubbering. Alarmed, he asked if I wanted him to come over.  I knew it was wrong, but I was hurting too much to say no.

From the moment he walked back in, he wrapped me in his strong arms and held me close. I was embarrassed when I snorted in his ear - too much snot in my nose. He responded in his rich tone,   "It's ok I can handle it." He listened patiently to everything I bawled out over the next hour. In the background of my little one-act play, his armour was blindingly shiny. I kissed him on the cheek out of gratefulness. One peck led to another and another.  His hands felt so good on me.  Besides, it was obvious, in more ways than one, that he didn't want me to stop. It didn't take much for us to lapse into passionate kissing. I had keenly missed him and I felt rapturous while I was temporarily suspended from my agony. A ghost of a thought crossed my mind that two days before, I had been relieving my agony with cute cougar-bait. Fortunately, Ken had the strength to pull us both out of the vortex. He stopped and gently told me that he still loved me and didn't want to make love just because things had gotten out of hand on the couch. He wanted it to be a planned, special event. I instantly felt deeply loved and cared for. Anyway, it was very late and we both had to work in the morning. Before he left, he promised that I could call him anytime for support. I wanted to believe him, but some part of me knew this wouldn't be true and I started crying again....

Part 3

2010-11-07T20:14:00.000-08:00

Despite Ken's misgivings about my spirituality he still wanted to date me. I was thankful, because he was everything important on my list. One of our dates was 4th of July.
We had been invited to spend the day with one of my oldest and most beloved childhood friends and her family. Since holidays were mostly not fun in my family (for too many dysfunctional reasons to list here) it was important to me that I shared the day with two people that signified comfort and love. We sat in her hot tub, ate lots of food, drank wine and champagne and watched the Portland fireworks from her hilltop home. It was a perfectly beautiful day and Ken doted on me the whole time. It felt so affirming when my friend Suzanne pulled me aside and commented that he certainly knew how to treat me right. I felt even more high when Ken told me in a private moment that he felt that our relationship had been a "Divine appointment from God to learn about love." Of course this turned me on because I believe that if two people love and respect each other, religion should not stand in the way. It's also another theme on my vision board - True Love Knows No Boundaries. I know I'm idealistic, but, I am what I am! Can I offer you some spinach with that Popeye philosophy?
I was so caught up in the fantasy that I finally agreed to try church with him.  I had left the Christian faith many years back when I questioned if it was the only path to God. I wound up losing almost all my friends and feeling very isolated. It was truly the dark night of the soul. But, I value diversity and inclusiveness and was willing to do this for someone I believed I loved.
Although the pastor's message didn't ring any bells for me, I enjoyed myself as I observed Ken's satisfaction and peace during the service. Definitely a female thing - notice how your partner is feeling, but ignore your own!  During lunch though, it became apparent that participating weekly with him would not meet his expectations.
He asked me about my impressions of the church service with a sort of fixed intense gaze.  I remembered that the pastor had mentioned humanity's "inherent sin nature" and how I didn't agree with that concept. Hmmm - maybe not something to comment on at this point. Keep it light. I racked my brain to think of something to say but realized that I had just been so blissful to be sitting next to him and holding his hand that the service didn't really have my full attention. I bought a few seconds while I took a nervous swig of my water and blurted out, "It's about the same as when I left." The effect was similar to me belching loudly. eeeek......That same day, Ken decided that we needed to spend some time apart and that he would contact me in the fall when he had worked through some issues with his business. I think I know what Mary Queen of Scots felt like, "Bachelorette #1, your answer just earned you a trip to the tower!" True to pattern, Ken changed his mind again not much later.
I got an email from him with the subject line, "Thinking of you." He hoped all was well. Of course I responded. We wound up talking on the phone a few days later. Communication resumed and we saw each other Friday and Saturday the next weekend.
At the Saturday date, he had had a very busy day running a 5K and hanging out with high school buddies at a reunion picnic he had organized. He wanted to see me so much though that he made an effort to meet me at a charity event I was volunteering at. When my shift ended we listened to live music performed by a local R & B/Funk band and took the opportunity to dance.  I was really happy. We were so into each other and again everything flowed naturally. A good friend of mine saw the chemistry between us and snapped a few pictures. The one above is the two of us. This bothered him and he tried to take her camera. A little bit of tension ensued because he was concerned that she would share them on Facebook. What?!
We talked about it later and he reminded me that his daughters were on Facebook. And that would be a problem because????? He said that he had raised his adult daughters not to date non-Christians. Uhm, but it's ok for you to "secretly" make out with me and put your hand on my pagan ass at an event packed with people? I knew it was over. I couldn't allow him to treat me this way.
The sick thing is though, I still hoped to win his approval.

I'll show you mine if you show me yours - Part 2

2010-10-24T19:39:00.000-07:00

I was enjoying the heady sensation of being pursued by My Personal Prince Charming.  We saw each other every spare moment we had. Texting, emailing, Facebook instant messaging - when we were apart, we loved frequent contact. When we were together, never did I EVER have to open any doors for myself - including the car door.  I enjoyed his sexy, masculine voice on the phone every night before I went to sleep and first thing in the morning. We were perfectly synced on our dates and laughed so much.  So it seemed natural to say we loved each other. The progression of our relationship had been easy and it was thrilling to feel swept away (another one of my Treasure Map themes). He was an important member of the community and he desired me! But one thing had intruded on our little fantasy world - I had dared to be myself. I chose to reveal my spirituality and it proved to be the unraveling of our tightly wound reverie.

During one of our morning wake up calls, (I just realized there's an ironic choice of words here - you'll see what I mean) I excitedly told him I had managed to free up my schedule in order to attend a wedding he had been invited to.  It was in one of my favorite parts of Portland - the Pearl District. It's hip, artsy and modern.   There was a hesitation in his response and he said, "Let's hold off on that." My stomach clenched and I instantly felt a condemning isolation.  I didn't sigh or say anything and without two seconds passing, he said, "Are you okay?" I got the courage to be honest and said "No." My emotions were a discomfiting mix of pride at being honest enough to admit the sting and humiliation because I didn't understand why I felt the overwhelming need to cry. I wanted desperately to act detached and analytical and appear reasonable. But I couldn't. He apologized, but made no move to change his decision. Instead he lamely offered, "We don't know what we're doing." I say lame because during our date the night before, we attempted to discuss our differences and while we hadn't come to a conclusion, he had indicated he was okay with going forward. For the remainder of our dating, this would be a pattern with Ken.  He would say and feel one thing and do another - sometimes as rapidly as the next day. I found myself struggling to comply with a new set of expectations in order to hold on to the fantasy.

So - about the date.  He expressed concerned about our differences in religion because during our first meeting, I had said that I would never attend church again. Over the course of our acquaintance during the last two weeks, he had realized that it was important to have his mate attend church with him. In addition he never wanted to feel like she was just going through the motions for him.  I struggled to integrate the doubts he was voicing about us with the environment - soft live music, dim lighting, delectable regional cuisine, and wine with someone who I thought adored me.    In the midst of the fantasy, I started crying....ughhh. I said that I would think about attending with him but that I couldn't promise that there wouldn't be days that I might be irked. We tried to talk about it, but it got too hard for me. It's a long story and the bottom line is that my prior life as an evangelical Christian had been extremely painful. I lost my faith and ultimately walked away. More about that in a sister blog. Seeing my distress, he let up. He cheerfully stated that while this was an important topic not to overlook, he wanted to continue the date. We both seemed fine with working things out gradually later. He stated that he loved everything else about me. We went to a movie and cuddled and kissed softly. The evening ended with a passionate make out session on my front door step. My kids were asleep inside and it didn't feel right to take things further. Casual sex isn't good for me emotionally.

We saw each other several more times after that but we never did make love. That was another recurring theme in our relationship. More on that later....

I'll show you mine if you show me yours....

2010-10-21T21:16:00.000-07:00

That is, if I believe that I can trust you, I will reveal to you the deepest part of me - my soul, my spirituality- my connection to God. I've learned over the last few months that it's the most intimate and treasured part of me. When it wasn't received by someone that I loved and respected, it was deeply painful. Thus my lack of posting last month. I allowed something else to take up my energy and stop my blog. I didn't want to post my experience because I didn't want to rock the boat. I'll never compromise who I am again.
During the summer I was approached by Ken on Facebook.  We shared a love for dancing, funky music and had a mutual friend in common. Other than that, all I knew about him was that he was a successful local businessman. After I read his profile, I instantly had doubts about our compatibility. What would a born-again-Christian Republican have in common with an eclectic spiritual Democrat?  I voiced my concerns clearly and strongly early on. Ken was smitten though and wouldn’t take no for an answer.
He waged quite a campaign for my attention. He emailed and texted me many times a day and insisted on seeing me sooner than the lunch date I had set for a week later. I was excited by the attention and had trouble focusing on my job. I finally aquiesced and agreed to a dinner date a couple of days later.
It was the height of romance - sunset on the river. It helped too that he is a well known person about town and we got great service.  I was thrilled when he shared genuine appreciation for my writing and admitted that he had read my entire blog!  Later, as the evening grew chilly, we sipped drinks by the fire at the downtown Hilton. Our conversation flowed effortlessly and he made me laugh a lot. He was very eager to set another date and I was more than happy to oblige. I enjoyed being with a respected member of the community.
Over the course of the next two weeks, he behaved like Prince Charming (which is a big theme on my Treasure Map).    He always picked me up to go out – even though the drive for him wasn’t always convenient.  On one date I stepped in dog shit and he even scrubbed it out of my shoe with his bare hands.   I adored that he wanted to be the first one to talk with me every morning.  He was the sexiest wake up call  I've ever received.  His voice is absolutely gorgeous.  The tone is rich and washed over me with a sensuous warmth that made me want to melt into a puddle. I loved lying in bed, langorously groggy and hanging on every word.  It felt so good that he wanted to be with me every spare moment. He gave me some of the best compliments of my life like, “You really seem to understand your worth as a woman.” This was huge for me since I had been working so hard on self-esteem issues. His interest in me was so vital, so strong, that I let my guard down.

One Sunday evening we were listening to jazz at his favorite restaurant. With the liquid courage of a good Cab to bolster me, I blabbed away and shared some of my spiritual explorations with him: tarot card and pendulum readings, Hinduism and Wicca. Suddenly, I caught the look of overwhelm in his eyes. It’s what I imagine a scuba diver would look like when they’ve just realized they’ve run out of air and they’re at the bottom of a very deep body of water. I abruptly stopped my shameless disrobe and made a joke to create an artful segue. We decided to go for a walk and get some air. It was a warm summer evening and he felt relaxed enough to open up too. I was a little disconcerted to find out that his last relationship of 7 months had ended only a month ago. Since I had no desire to be a rebound again, I asked if he had loved her. He noticed me staring at him intently and said, "No, not really." What did that mean? In addition, he was still dealing with financial fallout from his divorce a year ago. He admitted that it had been frustrating for him and felt like his life was in limbo. I really should have pulled back at that point, but, I was hooked on his chivalry .

Living As If

2010-08-21T22:32:00.000-07:00

There's a compelling quality to Arielle Ford's book. Her writing is so powerful that all your fragile hopes of finding the perfect one for you are given a mighty shot of steroids. However, I found her chapter, "Living As If" to be quite a challenge despite all the alluring promises.
The premise is that if you live as if you already have whatever it is you want, you will surely attract it. Neediness will only block your goal.   But, my attempt at putting this concept into practice backfired.
When I had my boudoir photos taken, my intention was to have an album of sexy and sensual yet elegant photos done for myself and my soulmate that I knew was "here."
The photographer arranged a shoot at a sophisticated downtown hotel, and provided a glamorous hair and makeup session. I supplied dresses and lingerie that complimented my best features.   When I previewed the proofs, I was delighted to see that she had done an absolutely sensational job of capturing me at my most luscious.   It's not just a physical thing. The photos also convey the seemingly incongruent habitation of innocence and wisdom within my spirit. The wine we drank during the slideshow warmed my belly and I was sure I altogether strong and unstoppable.
But when I came home afterwards to an empty house, my reality abrubtly intruded. The silence was a screaming accuser. It wagged it's merciless finger and mocked me, "Well, well, well, where is Miss Powerful now?  You always expect too much from life! You've always been too picky and your standards are impossibly high!" It sounded and felt like a banshee. I was desperate to drown it out. For the exorcism I chose an incredible amount of carbs, wine and chocolate. So much for spiritual enlightenment. Nevertheless, God is graceful and did arrange a small but important epiphany for me last week.
On vacation with my kids we swam in the hotel's pool.  I really enjoyed doing the laps and brushing up on my breast and side strokes.  The unaccustomed physical exertion caused a moment of clarity - swimming is similar to the concept of "Living As If."
The water will do it's job and buoy me towards my goal of reaching the other side as long as I confidently perform the strokes that work with it and not against it.  I learned them as a child and they've never failed me.  As long as I don't panic and flail around, I'll be absolutely fine. Similarly, the Universe and God will support me as long as I surrender the longing (panic) and perform the actions (strokes) that announce my intention.
The next day, we rummaged through a used book store and I found a book that recommended meditating on a symbol or imagining yourself as the person that embodies your goal. Good suggestions, but I'm still stumped. That's not enough specificity for me. So, maybe I needed to think about what the days with my soulmate look like.
I want the nurturing constancy of having someone to sink into the long evening hours with every day.  When I fear that I'm not making any progress in living my life purpose he will spell out why he believes in me and calm my manic self doubt.  His grounding, practical nature will provide the structure I need when I feel like a crazy dreamer that shoots her energy off in every direction but the right one. When I'm stumbling miserably in my spiritual path he'll pray with me. When I am a petty, narcissistic bitch that is myopic to the big picture, he will enfold me in his strong, capable arms, kiss me, gaze into my eyes and say tenderly, "Here I am. I'm all yours. Tell me everything that's troubling you, no matter how long it takes."
How can I translate these feelings/thoughts into practical, mundane, everyday steps that provide me the personalized reassurance I need to be convinced everything is working just as it should?   I do sincerely make an effort to make the most of everyday and not waste anything but I don't know if it's enough. Ughhhh - I'm worrying again! There's definitely an art to this!

If you've found something that works for you, please leave your comments below.  I appreciate your suggestions.